Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr. Painless.
On the way to see him, in the elevator, I used my iPhone for a self portrait:
I took this photo as a joke, due to my deep and abiding love for Lotus Carroll. I actually kind of like it because it's blurry enough, you can't really see me.
My cleavage was an unexpected bonus, but then – it usually is.
By the way, if you aren't following Lotus on G+ – you should be. She's a blogger, a photographer, a NICE person and a rising star in an often bleak world.
Awhile later, I was waiting for Dr. Painless in his office and amused myself taking a photo (again with my phone) through the window of his office.
And then, Dr. Painless was ready to see me.
Or should I say, scold me?
As you may recall, last time I saw Dr. Painless he prescribed Fentanyl Patches for my post car accident chronic pain hell nightmare. I wore one for about 5 hours, realized it did help my pain, and then took it off because "Dr. Google" told me I'd become addicted if I used Fentanyl patches. If you missed my post about that experience, you can read it here.
Apparently Dr. Painless isn't a big fan of me being my "own doctor" as he so nicely put it.
Seeing as he's the second doctor to suggest to me I may not know more about medicine than he does, I owned up to the fact I really don't have a degree in specialized medicine.
My orthopedic surgeon might have told me the same thing???
Harvard wishes they had accepted me into med school, but they didn't.
(Just kidding – I never applied. I'm sure they would have wanted me though?!)
I explained to Dr. Painless why I didn't follow his instructions. I voiced my concerns. I re-explained (for maybe the millionth time?) how hard I've worked for 5+ years to not become dependent on pain meds.
I even told Dr. Painless I feared Fentanyl Patches would lead to me shooting up heroin in old abandoned doorways …
After he finished roaring with laughter and re-composed himself,
He, ahem, had a little talk with me.
I might be the most stubborn patient to ever walk through a doctor's door, but I'm willing to listen.
He explained to me things about pain receptors and pain impulses, and this and that and more of this and more of that …..
He assured me using Fentanyl Patches would not lead to drug addiction.
He was also pretty frank with something I spend a lot of time in denial of –
The forever-ness of my pain.
In other words, it isn't something that's ever going away,
As much as I like to pretend I will wake up pain-free anyday now.
Everyone else seems to LOVE to be on pain meds. Tons of people seek them out for pure recreational fun.
Everyone but me, apparently.
I hate feeling drugged.
My conversation with the doc was long and complicated and medical-jargon-y-ish …
But I came out of his office agreeing to two things.
1. Beginning today I will (gulp) wear a pain patch.
2. I will immediately begin looking for a different way to transport my camera gear because apparently a backpack "is the absolute worst thing" I could be using. (My arm doesn't function enough to carry any type of bag or hold anything – so I thought a backpack was a good option. Apparently buying a case on rollers is immediately mandatory.)
Dr. Painless also loaded me up with some "emergency" steroids pain meds tactics for my upcoming trip back east. Every time I travel I go into horrible pain flare-ups. If/when this happens on my upcoming trip I'll have everything possible with me to attempt to get it under control.
That was the other thing ….
Dr. Painless was quite frank saying, "Some days you've got to accept you're just going down."
He was telling me I will (no matter what I do) still have days when I have to go hide in a corner, curled in a ball, and just wait out the pain. The goal is to have fewer of those days, but he was very blunt about the fact I will still always have them.
I'm, pretty fucked up, after all.
So, okay then.
This is my life.
I've tried everything else,
Now, I'm going to try being a compliant patient.
I did say try, right?
© Twenty Four At Heart