Today’s the Day

My appointment with New Physical Therapist is today.

The first appointment is a consultation, but it will probably involve a mini-treatment also.

Of course, as soon as he touches me, my nerves will freak-the-hell out because that is what they do.

Touch me, and my nerves SCREAM for days on end.

Dr. Painless is the only person I know who has ever understood why my arm does this – and he really does understand what causes it.  (He’s even explained it to me.)  I suppose that’s why he went to 400 years of medical school.  He’s a Fucked-Up Nerve Specialist.  In fact, Dr. Painless rarely touches me – other than frequent (extremely careful) hugs which he doles out a lot.  He only touches my arm/shoulder if it’s absolutely necessary (sometimes it is) because he knows if he does I’ll be over the edge for days.

Thank goodness there’s at least one person who understands the nature of my Fucked-Up Nerves.

(Because, guess what?  No one else does.)

My damaged nerves would look sort of like this, if they were a tree.

I use bad language when I’m in a lot of pain.

Have you noticed?

(Hi Mom – thanks for mailing me home-baked Christmas cookies!  They arrived last night.  They were the nicest thing in my yesterday.  I promise I’ll try to clean up my language and be a lady next week!)

When we talked on the phone, New Physical Therapist was stunned when I answered his inquiry.

“EIGHT?  Did you say you’ve had EIGHT surgeries?”

He doesn’t even know I’m bionic yet.

Wait till I wow him with my several-foot-long wires, big honkin’ battery, metal plates, titanium screws, and electrodes.

He’ll be charmed, I’m sure.

What guy wouldn’t be?

Hey baby, run your hands up my waist and feel those wires under my skin!  

Wink!  Wink!

I’m supposed to wear a tank top to physical therapy.  (All the better to feel me up, right?)

I have to admit though –

I’m really scared to go to this appointment …

I’m afraid of more pain –

Is “more pain” even possible after the last week?

My past experience has taught me, physical therapy = more pain.

I’m also concerned about spending all of my life at physical therapy.

(I’ve already given four of the last five years to the Physical Therapy Gods … does it have to be a life sentence?)

I suppose, perhaps, it does.

Yesterday, I just fell apart for no reason.

(Well, to be honest, I’ve actually got several pretty damn good reasons.)

Those of you who know me, know I rarely cry.

It’s a big deal when I do.

I was just driving along and the pain was so bad –

I just can’t take it anymore flashed through my brain.

And then?


The pain has been unrelenting for so many days now.

There’s been no break, no breathing room –

There’s only so much pain a person can take.

I guess I reached my breaking point.

When you feel like you’ll do anything to make pain stop … or even ease up –

Well, you WILL do anything.

And so today –

Today, I’ll go to my appointment even though I’m (really) afraid.

21 Responses to “Today’s the Day”

  1. sulky kitten

    Dear God Suzanne, this sounds like some Hellish never-ending nightmare. I hope this new therapist can help you out. Best of luck to you.

  2. Jenny in MN now in AZ

    Best of luck on the new therapist and getting through this latest pain flare.

    I know the feeling of wanting to do anything because of the pain screaming in your brain. I remember thinking if it wasn’t for my son, I’d just give up on life. The pain was so loud, all my nerves freaking out, breathing hurt. The swearing, the anger, the crabbiness…not begin who I wanted to be. ugh. I’m so sorry your body is working against all the things you want to have and do in your life.

    Thank God I have healed enough and changed enough things in my life to get my pain level down. My pain will never be gone either, but I’m at a point I can deal with it. I don’t let a day go by without realizing how truly lucky I am. Actually you are fantastic reminder to me as to how far I have come. Thank you!?!

    • Twenty Four At Heart

      Thank you. I’ve been doing better this last year – but how quickly I regressed! And yes, I know the feeling of wanting to give up on life. Some days it’s really difficult.

  3. Suzanne

    Words are so inadequate – but I hope the new therapist can help you with some pain relief.

    If it was me, I’d be diving into that box of homemade cookies your mom sent. Just think of it as a great big hug and a whole lot of love in a box of tasty treats.

    As for the swearing – I’d be right there with you shouting out obscenities!

  4. Jan's Sushi Bar

    I know you’re afraid, but as someone who is basically a more-or-less objective observer I can tell you that you NEED to go back to PT, and I’m thrilled that you are. Before you and The Torturer parted ways, you’d write about the pain during your PT sessions, and sometimes about the pain immediately after your PT sessions, but you spent a lot less time writing about the pain between your PT sessions. I just hope (like you wouldn’t believe) that going back will help you get back to that – anything has got to be better than what you’re going through now.

    Love you. So much.

  5. Denise

    Suzanne, I hope you have a good rapport with this PT and it provides you some relief. I know a couple other bloggers who are living with debilitating pain that most of us cannot imagine. Go ahead and cry, swear, have a meltdown. And let someone else take care of the Christmas decorating and baking this year. Like it or not, this year you need a break.

  6. Shari

    Oh Suzanne, I hope this works for you. I read his treatment method and I know it’s hands on. I wish you great progress in short time and minimal pain. I’ll be thinking about you.

  7. Missy

    I will be sending you positive thoughts today during your consult. Hopefully he may offer some relief. You are so strong.

  8. Karen in East Texas

    I hope that your session went well today. PT can be painful but necessary.

    I think that the new PT therapist should have a conversation with The Torturer and discuss you case with him before proceeding. I’m sure that The Torturer can enlighten him on some of your issues.

    I pray that you are feeling better soon.


  9. Jane

    I hope it goes OK today. I can’t even imagine pain like that and yet, you keep doing what you love. That takes courage, girl! And the TREE! As soon as I saw it, I thought, “that’s what Suzanne’s nerves must look like” and then I read what you wrote. Talk about a picture being worth a thousand words!

  10. stacy

    I hope you feel better, Suzanne!! It sucks being in pain. Maybe he will just do heat and ice. That always feels pretty good and helps a little.


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