Actual Quotes From My Physical Exam

In case you missed it:  Last week, I announced I’m planning a road trip to come visit you!  Do you want to meet me?  Click here for details.

Yesterday, I had a physical with my long-time family doctor.

I made an appointment for a mini (required) “pre-op” physical, but he decided to be a little more thorough since he had me trapped in his office.

(He’s been nagging me to schedule a physical for a long time.)

Catch me if you can.   (The view of “my” mountains just before sunset.)

Doc went through a list of “standard medical questions” that seemed to take forever.  He asked me questions about every body part I have.

Here are some actual quotes from my physical:

Doc:  Do your mouth and tongue work?  Has anything changed?

Me:  That’s the first thing my husband asks each day when he gets home.

Doc:  Bwahahahahahaha!


Doc:  Do you have pain anywhere?

Me:  You’re kidding, right?

Doc:  Sorry.  (Pause.)  It was a terrible car accident.  Who are you going to for pain management?


Doc:  Have you noticed any changes in your body?

Me:  Plenty.  Getting old is a bitch.

Doc:  Tell me about it.  I’d kill to be your age again.

Me:  I hope not.


Doc:  Have you had any changes to your vision?

Me:  I can’t see shit.  I’m blind.  I’ve been a blind photographer for a few years.

Doc:  (Nods – as if this makes perfect sense.)


Doc:  Do your hands ever tremble?

Me:  Yes, sometimes a lot.  I hate it.

Doc:  Can you tell me more about it?

Me:  When I get really cold I get the shivers and my hands shake.

Doc:  Suzanne?  Can you ever be serious?

Me:  I am serious.  I hate being cold.


Doc:  What do you take for your pain?

Me:  The good stuff.

Doc:  There’s a lot of good stuff out there.

Me:  I could make a living selling narcotics.

Doc:  So, you’re still working out of your home?


Doc:  Do you ever lose control of your bladder?  Maybe when you sneeze or laugh?

Me:  Only if I’ve had WAY too much to drink with my girlfriends.

Doc:  (Laughs and nods his head in agreement.  Obviously the doc has tied a few too many on, at some point, himself.)


Doc:  Are you menopausal yet?

Me:  No.


Me:  Well, I woke up really bitchy today, does that count?

(Doctor laughs so hard he snorts.)


Doc:  Have you noticed any changes in your memory?

Me:  I don’t remember?

Doc:  (Getting frustrated!)  I’m trying to ask you if you have dementia!

I look at him and raise one eyebrow questioningly.

(Excessive laughter from both of us.)

13 Responses to “Actual Quotes From My Physical Exam”

  1. Jenny in MN now in AZ

    You are so cute!

    You can come to AZ and work your photo magic here. Or depending on when the trip is and if I’m in MN and you want to head that way, let me know. I can introduce to lots of trees and farmland…oh and mosquitos that are big enough to do some harm…. There are lakes too…and downtown Minneapolis and of course Mall of America. Bring a coat though – even for summer. 🙂

    • Twenty Four At Heart

      I’ve been to a lot of places, but I’ve never been to Minneapolis. I’ve heard it’s a beautiful city. The mosquitoes don’t sound WONDERFUL, however. : )

      Also … what’s a coat? : )

  2. Alexis (MN)


    A tad possessive about those mountains aren’t ya? And thanks for the reminder – I need to find a new doc.

    As for the mosquitoes…we’ll bathe you in Skin-So-Soft and you’ll be fine. Campfire smoke also helps to get rid of ’em.


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