Yesterday, I heard from almost every ex-boyfriend I’ve ever had.
They each asked if I wrote The Heartbreak Post about them.
“Did you cheat on me?” I retorted.
They slunk off silently.
I suppose that means they did.
As if you were the love of my life, I scoffed.
And now I know people from my past are keeping tabs on me by reading 24 ….
A photo of life in the tropics. (Or Orange County.)
In other news,
I haven’t written a post like this in a long, long, time –
But some of you folks out there in the Internet world do some very funny searches.
I thought you’d get a laugh out of a few recent examples.
These are all real searches presented to you in bold type exactly as they were entered into google and/or another search engine. (My editorial comments are in regular type.)
• turgid nipples (I get this one several times a day. As well I should, right?)
• back door nudist (And what’s wrong with that?)
• well endowed men (People everywhere are on the hunt for well endowed men.)
• my clitros disappeared (Step one: learn how to spell it. Step two: find it!)
• he was very well endowed (Or he had a sock stuffed in his pants?)
• twenty four’s songs (I’m happy to share!)
• terrible physical therapy experience (Been there, done that!)
• single black hair growing all over my face (I’m so sorry! Also, how can a single hair grow all over your face?)
• he is well endowed and women stare (Of course they do. And what did you say his address was?)
• letter for my old friend (It’s so sad to lose a friend. Sometimes they surprise you and come back in your life at a later time.)
• what happened to her clitoris? (I’m afraid to find out! You can look first!)
• naked in backyard (Being naked in the sunshine is one of life’s great pleasures!)
• rejection and disappointment (I’m sorry. It hurts. Big hugs to you!)
• caught naked (Whoops!)
• what is a photography leading line? (I’m glad I could help explain it to you!)
• stories about nipples (Nipples are fun, aren’t they? Nipples have LOTS of stories!)
• my wife deb with 2 well hung studs (Well, I do have several readers named Deb ….)
• wife backyard topless (Is that a wish? Or a complaint?)
• nipples in car wash (Enough with the nipples, okay?)
• wife topless at pool (Congratulations! Women – do you see a trend? Your man wants you to walk around topless all day.)
• where did my clit go? (I’m not sure. I don’t think it has legs to walk away, though.)
• well hung friend (That might be the occassion to consider a Friend With Benefits relationship?)
• growing up well hung (It’s a tough life, but someone’s got to do it – right?)
• why am I such a bitch? (Because you just ARE, okay?)
• I want to be hairless (You can do that. It takes ongoing maintenance, though.)
• he stared at my nipp (He must be human. Why are you typing things like this into Google?)
• I’m craving pomegranates (I completely understand. I think it’s caused by a Vitamin C deficiency!)
• naked mishaps (You’re in the right place – I’ve had several!)
• true, I’m well hung (I’m glad you’re so humble about it.)
• clit be gone (Noooooo! screamed the clit!)
• caught buck naked (I’ve always wondered why the BUCK in buck naked?)
• fix my overexposed sky? (I can give you a few pointers, but it’s better to not overexpose the sky in the first place.)
• are hawaiian men well hung (I can’t speak from personal experience. Anyone have an answer to this one?)
• booty mom (Thank you!)
• tanning bed sunburned funny story (I’m so happy my life is entertaining to others.)
• fuckying diet (I agree – it’s better to just eat healthy and not try to diet.)
• why is hole in spanx? (For easy-access sex, of course!)
• sexual flowers (Most flowers are very sensual.)
• cooter wax (Yes …??)
• bachelor party went too far (They always do, don’t they?)
• I caught my gardner naked (Now that’s awkward. Was he mowing the lawn or hedge trimming?)
• going brazilian (It’s just more comfortable. And cooler. Who doesn’t want a cooler cooter?)
• show my tits? (It’s a personal decision, but boobies definitely liven up a party!)
• woke up with a lopsided double chin (That’s horrible. My sympathies!)
• machine that melts fat (It doesn’t work. Trust me on this one. Embrace your chubby body.)
• high beam tits (I see we’re related?)
• looong nipples (I’m not sure if it’s possible to fix, but if they’re past knee level you might want to look into plastic surgery.)
• is cooter similar to muff? (Yes, very similar.)
• i have boobs but not nipples (What a disappointment. Do you disclose info like that on the first date?)
• sunburned naked ass (Been there, done that!)
• call me the hulk (I can think of better turn-ons, but whatever works for you!)