Aaaand … Surgery #9 Has Been Scheduled

I’ve known it was coming,

But, still, it hit me hard.

Surgery #9 (yes, NUMBER NINE),

Has been scheduled for Monday, January 14th.

Last Friday, the scheduling nurse confirmed the details with me over the phone.

(It would have been sooner, but I’ll need some help and Briefcase has stuff to do between now and then.)

The “bionics” in my arm, shoulder, running down my back, and in my abdomen will be removed.

When I hung up,

My heart sank.

It’s no big deal, I told myself.

My heart, however, wouldn’t listen to my brain.

My mood plummeted.

Don’t think about it, I told myself.

Block it out.  Compartmentalize it.  Put it away until it’s The Day.

And then, unable to listen to my own logic, I got in the car and drove to the beach.

It was foggy and overcast.

Fitting.

I parked my car.

I noted the emptiness of the beach, and began walking.

I listened to the waves crash.

I heard the seagulls screech.

I inhaled quickly as two pelicans flew inches from me, unperturbed by my presence on the deserted beach.

I allowed myself some time to feel bad.

One hour, I told myself.  One hour.

I let the sadness, the fear, and all the negative emotions pour over me.

As I walked, I thought …

•  Why me?

•  It isn’t fair.

•  I won’t tell my kids until it’s over.  (Kids shouldn’t have to worry about their parents.)

•  I won’t tell my parents ever.  (It would break their hearts.)

•  I can’t do it.  I just can’t.

•  I have to do it.

•  This will be the last one – ever.

•  I’ve thought every surgery was the last one – and there are always MORE.

•  It’s no big deal.

•  I can’t do it.

•  I have to do it.

•  Don’t think about it.  Block it out.  Compartmentalize it.  Put it away until it’s The Day.

After one hour of walking,

I got in my car and drove home.

Christmas is two weeks away.

I have a lot of things to do.

33 Responses to “Aaaand … Surgery #9 Has Been Scheduled”

  1. Diane Cayton-Hakey

    Oh gosh, Suzanne. So sorry to hear this. Life isn’t fair, in fact it can be a total pain in the arm/ass. Glad it’s not until after the holiday season though so that you can enjoy this time of year….. yes, compartmentalize the surgery and put it to the back of your mind for right now.

    Why are they removing the bionics? Are they not working, or are they simply irritating your body?

    xox, Di

    • Suzanne

      No, life is NOT fair.
      Yes, I purposely scheduled it after the holidays.

  2. Jenny in MN now in AZ

    So very sorry to hear this news. Wow…this is hurtful to just think about. I can’t imagine what you are going through. By the way…
    It is okay, you have the right to your feelings. They are your feelings.
    It is your body, your pain… your life. Gentle hugs, positive thoughts sent your way.

  3. Stephen

    I should also have made note of just how bad this sucks in light of the battle we all fought with you to get the insurance company to cover having the bionics installed in you. Double Damn.

  4. Jan's Sushi Bar

    I’ve been waiting for this announcement. I am so, so sorry, Suzanne. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

  5. Erica

    I am so sorry to hear that. Hugs.

    It’s very brave of you to spare your children and parents, but please make sure you don’t wind up going through this alone. If Briefcase can’t be available enough, then pull others in.

    I really do hope this is the last one.

    • Suzanne

      Me too –
      And that is always the problem …
      Not wanting to burden other people with my bad life …

  6. LindaP

    ((HUGS)) I have written and deleted 3 messages. None of them were helpful or uplifting. All I can offer right now are ((HUGS))

  7. Denise

    Suzanne, you have had an AMAZING year with your photography. I know this is a huge bump in your road, but you will move past it and be back in stride soon. Go ahead and grieve because you deserve to be upset and sad. Find whatever support you need while you’re recovering. You don’t have to be Wonder Woman.

  8. Missy

    Yes, big hugs to you. I remember previous posts hinting at this. Weren’t the bionics recalled? Will they reinstall new ones? They seem to have really helped you. As one who loves to compartamentalize her life-don’t. Just feel your sadness.

    • Suzanne

      Yes, the bionics were recalled.
      No, I’m not getting new bionics … because what happens if THEY get recalled?

  9. karen

    When you first had the bionics put in, I honestly thought…. oh, the body can’t possibly like all that synthetic stuff INSIDE. Is this the reason for the removal? I know I probably missed a post explaining.

  10. stacy g

    Hey, I’m still out on disability so I’m around. If you need something from the store or whatever call me. My cell is 949-275-8238. I don’t have extra money since I’m not working but you give me yr card or yr money or whatever and I will happily gofer for you.

    • Suzanne

      Thank you Stacy.
      Hopefully it will work out for Briefcase to be around at least for a day or two …

  11. gina

    Suzanne….you are such an inspiration to me. You are so passionate about life…..it just shines through in your blog.

    I’m sorry you are being thrown yet another curveball.

    I hope you’ll be able to enjoy family time during the holidays. Let others pamper you, and delegate those chores.

    • Suzanne

      Thank you Gina.
      I will be glad when it’s over and done with.
      I hate having it ahead of me … the feeling of dread. : (

  12. Cathy B

    Suzanne, I felt that walk on the beach as you described it. I wish you didn’t have to go through this again. Sending hugs from Toronto.

  13. joanne

    jeeze honey! are you not wired right? have they stopped working? I feel like I have missed something along the way. why are they doing this? will your bionic nipples go away too?? (that will be really sad)
    Life can be full of surprises, and some of them are shitty ones. I am sixty years old now, in no condition to think of retirement, and I laugh, and say that I have no choice but to drop dead at the salon. The pain in my legs, a neuropathy from interfuron that has lingered on for eight years now has taken much of my ability to do much more than work, and them recover from the day. I will keep you in my prayers, and we will get through these tough things as so many other chronic pain sufferers do. God keep all of us. I love you.
    PS I never got the business cards, I want to put them in a holder under your wonderful photo

    • Suzanne

      Thanks Joanne.
      I ran out of cards, but just got more in.
      I’ll get some sent back to you.
      xo

  14. joanne

    Ok, I just read up the list to find your hardware is recalled. nothing else to offer you?? does this mean a future surgery to get new stuff?

  15. pam from ohio

    Hi Suzanne, I’ve been following you on Facebook, and haven’t visited your website since the pre-holiday craziness started. I just read about your upcoming 9th surgery and wanted to send my best wishes to you and hope everything goes well. I’m sure it will! The anticipation is always worse than the event. I’ll be thinking of you and will be checking back to see how you’re doing.

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