Problems Being Girly

Yesterday, I shared the sentimental perspective on a wedding I attended last weekend.

Today, I thought I’d share the many challenges I had “being a girl” for the occasion.

Most of you already know, I’m not a girly-girl.

I  only  mainly wear sweats or jeans, t-shirts, and flip flops.

I have my camera around my neck 90% of the time,

People often find me crawling on the ground or climbing on top of things just to get a particular shot I’m after.

As a result, I procrastinated the inevitable –

And woke up the morning of the wedding with absolutely nothing wedding-appropriate to wear.

And …?

My face was severely peeling.

Particularly my nose.

The Splotchy-Look is SO pretty.

I wear sunscreen every day,

But my face (especially my nose) frequently peels anyway.

I arrived at our local mall at 10:00 a.m. when it opened.

I tried on approximately twenty dresses before I found one I hated-less-than-others.

In fact, it was kind of sexy.

(In a hint-of-cleavage, but still wedding-appropriate, way.)

But wait …

I needed a jacket or sweater to go with the dress because it was an outdoor, beach, wedding with an evening reception.

Beach evenings in April get downright chilly.

After much searching, I found a light jacket I could wear with the dress.

But wait, again …

The dress I picked out was form-fitting –

I needed Spanx.

I ran to the lingerie department to find the right kind of Spanx.

(One of my all-time most read humor posts is about Spanx.  If you haven’t read it, you can find it here.)

•  Dress purchased – check!

•  Light jacket purchased – check!

•  Spanx purchased – check!

•  Shoes …?

I raced to go shoe shopping.

After some shoe hunting, I decided on a very sexy pair of black patent high (!!) heels.

I would look hawt for the wedding with such sexy shoes.

(And a sexy dress, I might add!)

What was I thinking?

I haven’t worn high, high, high heels in a loooooong time.

Clearly, after all that rushing around, I wasn’t thinking at all.

But wait, yet again …

My grubby toenails would show through the peek-a-boo toe of my new heels.

I bolted off to a nail salon and explained I needed a quick, emergency, pedicure.

I managed to stress out a woman who spoke no English, but who did understand my agitated, waving, hands.

•  Bad Pedicure – check!

But, oh no!

I’m a melanoma survivor.

I’m outdoors all the time, but I  *don’t*  tan.

I wear clothes that cover me up.

I wear lots of sunscreen.

My legs were ghostly white.

If I wore a dress, with very high, sexy, heels –

I absolutely couldn’t have ghost-white legs.

I suddenly remembered I had one remaining “spray tan” from a package of five I bought two years ago.

I dashed from the nail salon to the tanning salon.

There were some (ahem?) problems at the tanning salon.

In fact, my rushed tanning salon experience was a disaster.

(And yes, I might have wandered topless down the hallway of the salon at one point.

But that’s an entirely separate story for a different day.)

•  Bad Spray Tan – check!

By the time I got home from all my frantic, last minute, errands,

I had less than an hour to get ready for the wedding.

I probably should have done all of the wedding-preparation activities earlier in the week?

How did it work out?

Well, I looked hot.

As hot as a frumpy woman can look while sobbing at a wedding.

Also …

•  I smelled strongly of spray-tan chemicals for three days, even after several showers.  I’m pretty sure my remaining color will “come off” on Paul Newman when he touches me today.  (Oh, how he looks forward to my visits??)

•  I couldn’t walk, or even stand, in my heels.  At all.  I sat almost the entire night.  Even then, my feet hurt for a full two days after the wedding.  (I will wear my flip flops to the next wedding I go to.)

•  The dress was a success.  I think I will wear it again, if I ever have to wear a dress.  Have I mentioned, I hate wearing dresses?

•  I couldn’t breathe.  Or drink.  Or eat.  I know a lot of women wear Spanx every.single.day, but I have no idea how they can bear it.  I’m pretty sure Spanx sucked my fat in so intensely that my intestines became entangled into still existing knots.

And yes,

I fail at all the girly stuff.

But, at least I tried, right?

4 Responses to “Problems Being Girly”

  1. Diane

    Sometimes simply attending a wedding can be an expensive and stressful event. Glad you made it there!

  2. Jan's Sushai Bar

    I feel your pain. Literally – we have 30 clients in town right now and are having a reception at the ever-loving Pro Football freaking Hall of Fame tonight and I have NOTHING suitable to wear to such a function. NOTHING. So I will go shopping shortly, something I love every bit as much as you do. And then pick up a steam cleaner and clean our cream-colored living room carpet the dog so thoughtfully pooped all over in the middle of the night (he’s been having, ahem, digestive issues as of late). We won’t even go into the haircut/styling I desperately need for this, but probably won’t have time for.

    And I’m going to have to wear makeup. I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup.

  3. Erica

    Spanx, sexy dress and high heels? I’ll bet you did look hawt, even sitting. I hope someone got a few pictures of you too.

    • Suzanne

      My daughter did.
      I haven’t had a chance to even look at them yet.
      (I hate having my photo taken!)
      : )

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