I really *try* to stay positive
before I begin bitching and complaining.
Today, I’m feeling discouraged.
I mentioned, in a recent post, I did some swimming over Memorial Day.
I didn’t do much, of course, because of my bum arm.
I swam a couple laps with my sort-of-odd, I-only-have-one-fully-functioning-arm, modified, swim stroke.
Then, as much as I wanted to swim MORE, I used a kick-board to do a few more laps.
I didn’t want to “overdo” things
with my useless appendage.
I was proud of myself for starting swim season slowly.
I LOVE being in the pool.
Love, love, love!
Unfortunately, I was in a lot of pain very quickly after I got out of the pool.
I downed a couple pain pills, felt very grumpy, and contemplated life nearly seven years post-accident.
(Yes, a couple pain pills. I never take more than one at a time. I was in a LOT of pain.)
I thought back to last summer when I completely gave up swimming due to the pain it caused.
Yesterday morning, I went to see Paul Newman.
The man can see with his hands.
It really is the most amazing thing.
He barely touches me and he knows exactly what state my body is in.
(That sounds so much more appealing than it really is.)
By the way, my body is currently in a very angry, irritated, pissed-off, state.
(And it’s carrying over to my mental state??)
Paul Newman isn’t an I’m-going-to-scold-you type of physical therapist.
He (nicely?) chided me for not calling him to talk about it before I fake-swam,
I probably should have.
I know he’s usually reachable if I need him.
For instance, last night I texted him to say:
Ow! Whimper!! Boo Hiss!
And, he replied with pretend-sympathy right away.
Yesterday morning, when I explained to him how I modified “swimming” last weekend,
He very matter-of-factly told me why my body “can’t” do what I was asking it to do.
And why it makes me hurt so badly.
Then he asked me if I thought to ice my damaged parts after my fake-swimming attempt.
I looked at the floor and hung my head.
Paul Newman is fine with me being in the pool.
I can kick myself to boredom and back with a kick-board, for instance.
There are some arm exercises I can do too. (Sound like fun?)
I just can’t do what I want to do and/or the way I want to do it.
Although, drinking margaritas on a raft while floating in the pool would probably be okay.
I know, I know ….
Being a grown-up means accepting stuff like this, right?
It isn’t like I didn’t already know all of this, on some level.
I already knew I love to swim.
I already knew my “modified” fake-swimming causes me a lot of pain.
What’s wrong with living in denial and attempting to do the same pain causing thing over and over again for six or seven years?
I’m pretty sure there’s only one real solution.
I need to learn how to swim 100% one-armed.
It will take time and practice.
I might swallow a few
gallons gulps of pool water while I figure it out.
I should have it down in no time …
I just need to shake off this feeling of discouragement and start learning/practicing.
(First, however, I need to get my pain back down to a more manageable level.)