If someone recorded my conversations with Paul Newman they’d be amused.
I’ve even wondered if my doc sent me to Paul Newman, originally, just for the entertainment value.
Paul Newman and I both have very unique personalities.
Together, we seem to amuse ourselves to no end.
Some of you have written to me asking what I DO when I’m with Paul Newman,
And/or what we talk about while I’m at physical therapy.
Let me mention the disclaimers first:
• Nothing I write today is a direct quote because my memory is simply not that good/dependable.
• Paul Newman is undoubtedly different with me than he is with many/most patients because I’m a permanent fixture in his office. (Normal pt patients come, get treated, get better, and leave.)
• For some reason, being on my back with a man makes me talk a lot.
• I’m shy with people until I know them well. (Paul Newman is snorting and rolling his eyes?)
• I’m not at all shy with people once I”m comfortable with them. (And I’m very comfortable with Paul Newman?)
• Paul Newman always keeps me in my own little room. I’m pretty sure he does this so
he can spare his other patients from my warped sense of humor I can relax.
Here’s a photo of Paul Newman – owner of Newport Physical Therapy.
When I first arrive at PT, I’m
locked into put in a quiet, dark, room.
I lay (lie?) down on a squishy table and make myself comfortable with some pillows.
My shoulder and arm are immediately wrapped up in all sorts of hot, warm, goodness and I find myself seriously contemplating a nap.
Life would be better for everyone, if we could all walk around Real Life wrapped in cocoons of warmth.
A few minutes later Paul Newman wanders in.
Well, to be honest, he usually bursts into the room in a flurry of energy … but, whatever.
We exchange brief niceties about:
1) The current state of my arm. (I always say it’s “fine,” whether it is or not. He inevitably raises a skeptical eyebrow, looks me in the eye, and determines the true state of my pain/psyche/being.)
2) How we are/what major things we’ve done since our last visit.
Then Paul Newman works on me while we
laugh talk about a vast array of inappropriate topics.
Our conversations are very ADD-ish.
Sometimes I *might* make jokes about the man who was squealing, “Do it HARDER!” as I walked past him (and his PT) a moment earlier.
Or, I might show up with news of a couple making out in the parking garage across from the PT building.
Paul Newman might comment on a Facebook photo he saw of me. The position my scapula was in is always of great interest to him.
There never seems to be a shortage of conversation topics.
What does Paul Newman do to me while we’re talking?
It involves a lot of warm lube.
He begins by cautiously testing different areas of my damaged body to see what parts are angry, angrier, and angriest.
He might massage, stretch, push, prod, poke, pull or do assorted other things to various bones/muscles/tendons/ligaments/nerves.
He “reads” the state of my body with his hands.
(That sounds SO wrong!)
My arm bone doesn’t stay where it’s supposed to be. It pops halfway out of my shoulder a lot of the time, causing bone to rub against bone.
Bone rubbing against bone doesn’t feel good.
Sometimes, as I wander through Real Life, my arm bone randomly pops all the way in or all the way out of my shoulder.
This causes me to say “OW!” and swear profusely.
Paul Newman often puts pressure on my malcontent, inappropriately placed arm bone, trying to get it to go where it’s supposed to.
Every single time he
pushes leans his full body weight forcefully on it, trying to get it back into place, I say,
“I hate when you do this.”
He always gives me an innocent look, as if to say, “Having bones forced in and out of sockets bothers you?”
To make up for hurting me, he usually massages one, or both,of my “love spots.”
(I have TWO of them!),
When my love spots are massaged I always say, “I just love when you do this to me.”
I don’t MEAN to say it every.single.time, but I can’t help myself.
(And I always wonder if someone walking outside of the room is going to overhear and think we’re inside doing IT.)
My Arm Love Spots are areas that get really tight.
Tight love spots are a good thing? Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
They’re areas I can’t move on my own.
When Paul Newman massages and/or moves them for me, it relieves some of the tightness/pain.
It feels like a giant Ahhhhhhh!
Sometimes Paul Newman hurts me while I’m visiting.
If he knows something he’s going to do to me will be painful; he *might* give me a warning.
(But not always!)
Other times, my body is extra-inflamed and something “gentle” will make me yelp ….
Surprising both of us.
Yesterday, for instance, I yelped loudly.
(Maybe the loudest I ever have?)
I gave him a hurt, accusing, reproachful, look.
If my eyes could talk, they would have been saying,
“Ouch! How could you DO that to me? You’re supposed to be NICE!”
Paul Newman paused. He met my eyes with a, long, questioning, look.
He responded, “Hmmm. That was your bicep tendon.”
At the same time, his eyes were saying,
“I’m not supposed to be NICE. I’m your physical therapist. Also, you’ve been shooting too much if you’re this inflamed.”
It’s really strange how we don’t even have to talk when we talk.
Of course, I always forgive him for hurting me.
After all, I know I have an extremely f*cked up body.
I need him.
(I’m so much more f*cked up without him.)
I often stick around for awhile after Paul Newman is done poking me.
Staying for an ultrasound and/or ice pack sometimes helps calm down some of my inflamed areas.
And when it doesn’t …?
Well, that’s when I find myself writing blog posts “under the influence.”