I didn’t expect the strong reaction I got from last week’s post about my physical therapy struggles.
I poured out my heart and feelings when I wrote it.
It was exactly how I felt at the time.
I didn’t stop to think about all the stuff that has gone on “behind the scenes” most of you don’t know about –
Particularly with The Torturer.
(Try as I do, I can’t write about everything. In fact, most of my life events never get published.)
I also didn’t think about how people would react who see me regularly – primarily, Paul Newman.
The same day my post published, I had an appointment with him.
He was waiting for me as soon as I walked in, and I knew (instantly) I was in trouble.
He silently escorted me to a private room, shut the door, and sat down next to me.
He was unusually silent.
“You had a bad day last time you were here,” he finally said ever-so-softly. “It was just a bad day.”
“I’m not quitting,” I protested before he could scold me.
(He was acting so not-normal, it freaked me out!)
“You used the word quit way too many times in today’s post,” he responded quietly.
Paul Newman is never quiet.
His extremely calm, measured, tone unnerved me.
Being me, I immediately began spurting out whatever came to mind in an effort to distract him.
I was hoping Normal Paul Newman would return.
I know how to
manipulate negotiate with deal with Normal Paul Newman.
Silent, Serious, Paul Newman scares me.
“Blah, blah, blah,” I said. “Blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!”
“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH!!” I emphasized.
“Breathe,” he said.
“Breathe?” I asked.
“You’re not breathing,” he explained, very matter-of-factly.
** Deep Breath **
And then …
We talked –
Using real words and everything.
I realized I’ve begun going through my annual Anniversary of The Car Accident Head Trips.
I haven’t been sleeping well.
I’ve woken up from The Crash re-happening in my dreams/nightmares a couple times lately.
My arm/shoulder/mobility/progress/failure issues have been there tapping on my brain more than usual.
I’m a tightly-wound jumble of emotions.
I just need to recognize why my emotions are all over the place so I can deal with them better.
I HAVE come a long way.
My arm IS better than it has ever been since the accident.
I’m able to do more than I’ve ever done.
I’m “managing” my pain as best as &*%$# pain can be managed.
I still have bad days, but I have less of them than I used to.
For some reason, Anniversaries of Bad Things make all the negative, loss, sad, bad, stuff stand out so glaringly.
Sometimes I’m a creature of my subconscious.
Sometimes I don’t realize what’s triggering my emotions.
(I doubt there were any classes in PT School to prepare Paul Newman for Not-Even-Close-To-Text-Book Me? Poor man!)
I’m going to try (?) to be a better patient.
I’m already more conscious of the chaos of emotions I feel right now.
I will do my best not to mention the Q-Word, no matter how bad of a day I have.
I will let Paul Newman do whatever he wants to me (ahem?) without
too much protest.
I can’t promise I won’t ever
cry get frustrated, because I know I will.
I can promise to do my best.
As a matter of fact, guess where I’m spending my morning?
How much do you want to bet Paul Newman is SO excited to see me?