Arm Saga – Follow Up

I didn’t expect the strong reaction I got from last week’s post about my physical therapy struggles.

I poured out my heart and feelings when I wrote it.

It was exactly how I felt at the time.

I didn’t stop to think about all the stuff that has gone on “behind the scenes” most of you don’t know about –

Particularly with The Torturer.

(Try as I do, I can’t write about everything.  In fact, most of my life events never get published.)

I also didn’t think about how people would react who see me regularly – primarily, Paul Newman.

The same day my post published, I had an appointment with him.

He was waiting for me as soon as I walked in, and I knew (instantly) I was in trouble.

He silently escorted me to a private room, shut the door, and sat down next to me.

He was unusually silent.

“You had a bad day last time you were here,” he finally said ever-so-softly.  “It was just a bad day.”

“I’m not quitting,” I protested before he could scold me.

(He was acting so not-normal, it freaked me out!)

“You used the word quit way too many times in today’s post,” he responded quietly.

Paul Newman is never quiet.

His extremely calm, measured, tone unnerved me.

Being me, I immediately began spurting out whatever came to mind in an effort to distract him.

I was hoping Normal Paul Newman would return.

I know how to manipulate  negotiate with  deal with Normal Paul Newman.

Silent, Serious, Paul Newman scares me.

“Blah, blah, blah,” I said.  “Blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!”

Silence.

“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH!!” I emphasized.

“Breathe,” he said.

“Breathe?” I asked.

“You’re not breathing,” he explained, very matter-of-factly.

** Deep Breath **

And then …

We talked –

Using real words and everything.

I realized I’ve begun going through my annual Anniversary of The Car Accident Head Trips.

I haven’t been sleeping well.

I’ve woken up from The Crash re-happening in my dreams/nightmares a couple times lately.

My arm/shoulder/mobility/progress/failure issues have been there tapping on my brain more than usual.

I’m a tightly-wound jumble of emotions.

I’m FINE.

I just need to recognize why my emotions are all over the place so I can deal with them better.

I HAVE come a long way.

My arm IS better than it has ever been since the accident.

I’m able to do more than I’ve ever done.

I’m “managing” my pain as best as &*%$# pain can be managed.

I still have bad days, but I have less of them than I used to.

For some reason, Anniversaries of Bad Things make all the negative, loss, sad, bad, stuff stand out so glaringly.

Sometimes I’m a creature of my subconscious.

Sometimes I don’t realize what’s triggering my emotions.

(I doubt there were any classes in PT School to prepare Paul Newman for Not-Even-Close-To-Text-Book Me?  Poor man!)

I’m going to try (?) to be a better patient.

I’m already more conscious of the chaos of emotions I feel right now.

I will do my best not to mention the Q-Word, no matter how bad of a day I have.

I will let Paul Newman do whatever he wants to me (ahem?) without  too much  protest.

I can’t promise I won’t ever  cry  get frustrated, because I know I will.

But?

I can promise to do my best.

As a matter of fact, guess where I’m spending my morning?

How much do you want to bet Paul Newman is SO excited to see me?

No????

5 Responses to “Arm Saga – Follow Up”

  1. Denise

    He sounds like the perfect combination of sensitivity and skill/knowledge for someone like you.

    • Suzanne

      “For someone like me,” is the key part of that statement!
      Ha!
      Poor man!
      : )

  2. Mandi

    There’s something SO sexy about a man who knows when to listen! I think he’s exactly what you need after all you’ve gone through. OF course he’s excited to see you. How could he not love you? You’re probably a good/interesting challenge for his skills too. More Paul Newman stories please!

    • Suzanne

      Oh, there’s all sorts of reasons why he could “not” love me –
      Mainly because I’m a pain in the ass. (The patient that never goes away.)
      He is, however, good for me and a very nice guy.
      And yes, I’m pretty sure I’m a challenge but that may not be a good thing.
      : )

  3. Joy

    Just catching up today from a couple of weeks on no reliable internet access…

    I am sorry you were feeling rotten. Pain sucks. Big hugs to you and the people in your life. It is wonderful that there are supportive and knowledgeable people around you that can help focus on the positive, and help you recognize where some of the dark thoughts originate. I can’t say it enough: Pain sucks. (Lifelong migraine chick, here, so I know how taxing managing “normal” life can sometimes be with that asshole Pain hanging around.) And I love and appreciate how you thumb your nose at Pain and her sister, Anger, and show us your bubbly and irreverent personality.

    I’m glad you are feeling better now. 🙂

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