I have the weirdest life.
Seriously, the universe (my universe?) is in a state of pure chaotic confusion right now.
My arm/body/pain brought me (and all my busyness) to a screeching halt this week.
It’s only December – my busiest month of year.
The message (written in mind-numbing pain) was very clear, though.
So, I’ve put all my holiday to-dos on hold.
(I’m, of course, still working on non-physical stuff – processing orders for the holidays, etc.)
I’ve retreated into myself so intensely, I’m afraid I might never come out.
I tend to “go inward” when I’m hurting … physically or emotionally.
I’ve taken life very slow this week.
Two days ago a total stranger hit on me at the hardware store.
It was baffling.
Couldn’t he see I’m a Total Train Wreck (better known as a TTW)?
Are men attracted to disheveled, foggy-eyed, women?
I kept my gym appointment yesterday – leg workout only, no arms.
Baby Face took one look at me and said, “Let’s talk.”
Baby Face and I don’t have a “talking” relationship.
He’s more of a drill sergeant kind of guy – barking out exercise orders for me to follow.
Clearly, he immediately saw the TTW woman seeping out of me.
He turned into Mr. Compassion.
In other words, as he barked out orders (Squats! Lunges!), he also stepped up as a friend.
I was startled by his kindness.
He even gave me a massage before I left.
(Trying to help with some of the neck pain I get when I’m all f*cked up like I am right now.)
It was nice that he was so nice.
I really needed that massage.
Isn’t life funny?
People you think you can count on reject you or disappear when they’re needed.
People you never think twice about, step up as very caring individuals when they see you need help.
A bit later in the day I took Mocha for a walk back in the canyon.
She was happy to chase bunnies down trails, and I found myself deep in thought.
What do I do now?
Do I call my orthopedic doc and ask him to amputate my arm and be done with it?
(This is something I’ve thought of countless times, but something no doctor will ever do.)
And/or succumb to Surgery #10?
(Which I don’t think I could stand!)
Do I call Dr. Painless and cave in to a lifetime of Serious Drugs?
Maybe I shouldn’t have fought so much against living a drugged up existence?
Maybe super-drugged-up is good?
I feel like I’m on a precipice.
Which direction do I go?
I brought a very tired Mocha home after our walk so she could take a contented dog nap.
Then, I got in my car and drove to a lake that isn’t too far away.
Click on photo to purchase, or view larger, in 24atHeart gallery.
I wanted to take a photo of the awesome clouds/cloud shadows/mountains/reflections.
While I was there, I also took a photo of a gigantic Christmas tree being decorated.
A random man approached me and began talking.
He was very nice.
Before he left, he said how beautiful I am.
What is going on universe?
Random men don’t (ever) tell me I’m beautiful on normal days.
But, when I’m struggling through a week of Pain-Fog-Delirium (and definitely look like hell), multiple men find me pretty?
Men like Total Train Wrecks?
Or maybe The Universe feels so bad about my pathetic state,
It has decided to throw compliments at me via random men?
Have I mentioned how glad I am this week is over?
P.S. After I wrote this, but before I hit “publish” I talked to Dr. Painless via text message. Have I mentioned how nice he is? Because he is very, very, nice. I’m not sure what his solution will be, but we’re working on it and I know/hope I’ll get some relief soon.