It Could Only Happen To Me?

While I was getting a Brazilian bikini wax, I swallowed phytoplankton for the first time.

It was quite an experience.

Should I start at the beginning?

I was really Monday-Morning-Tired yesterday.

I also had an appointment for a bikini wax.

I was running late and didn’t have enough time to caffeinate myself as much as I would have liked to.

As I drove to my appointment I thought, “This will wake me up.”

There’s nothing like hot wax, followed by a giant rip, all involving your girly parts first thing in the morning.

It definitely wakes you up.

My waxologist (yes, that’s what they’re called!) is very, very, VERY, into everything healthy.

We chat a lot about healthy things when I visit.

Vitamins, super foods, supplements, blah, blah, blah.

She’s also a perfect female specimen.

She’s young, pretty, and perfect, and healthy, and perfect, and perky, and perfect, and smiley, and perfect.

In other words, she’s a walking, talking, model for having a super healthy lifestyle.

During our conversation (ahem, my waxing) yesterday, she mentioned how energetic a shot of phytoplankton makes her.

“Say, what?” I asked just prior to gasping as she tore a strip of my pubes out.

(Excuse me if that offends you, but we’re all adults and I don’t know how else to say it.)

In any case, she informed me she takes a “shot” of liquid phytoplankton every day and swears by it.

She told me it gives her energy, and makes her feel wonderful in all sorts of healthy ways.

“I have some with me,” she said. “Do you want to try it?”

I asked her what it tastes like.

“It tastes like the ocean,” was her smiley, healthy, reply.

She looked delighted at the very thought of drinking a shot of the ocean.

Being a fifth generation Southern California girl, I’ve drank my fair share of ocean water over the years.

Not intentionally, of course.

It just happens sometimes, especially when you’re a kid.

I’ve never found ocean water a desirable drink, but I’ve drank shots of worse things before.

(Particularly while I was in college.)

Anyway, that is how I found myself naked from the waist down, opening my mouth for her to pour a shot of phytoplankton down my throat.


I dont’ know WHAT I expected, but I think I nearly died once my mouth was full of phytoplankton.

It tasted like very rotten fish in an extremely salty concentrated paste of yuch mixed with BLEH and an added dose of OMIGOD added in.

I might have forgotten to say thank you.

I did, however, swallow it without gagging.

(No inappropriate jokes about THAT, okay?)

Later in the day, when I had time, I researched the health benefits of phytoplankton.

It really is very good for you.

I also now know,

It’s something I will never try again.

(OK, so never say never …. but!)

Did a mouthful of phytoplankton give me energy?

Well, it’s hard to say.

I was definitely AWAKE when I left my appointment.

But, whether that was from the shot of phytoplankton or the hot wax being ripped off my nether regions …

Who’s to say?

6 Responses to “It Could Only Happen To Me?”

  1. Jan's Sushai Bar

    Since I take fermented cod liver oil several times a week, which also tastes like rotting fish (and why I take it in capsule form) the first thing I thought of when I read this was, “Ooooh! Yes, good for you!”

    I don’t know if it gives you more energy, but I bet it’s FULL of trace minerals that most of us are deficient in, including iodine (I also take liquid kelp several times a week – a bit more palatable, I’m sure).

    You should give both a try – pretty much same benefits as the phytoplankton, along with a healthy dose of omega 3 fatty acids, and not quite so hard to choke down.

    • Suzanne

      I know it’s good for me.
      I’m trying to convince myself to try it *just one more time*.
      We’ll see.
      I do take a fish oil capsule, but I’m sure the phytoplankton is better –
      Like you said, all sorts of trace minerals.

  2. Stacy G

    Hey, remember that time you went to the tanning bed and it wouldn’t turn on? That was one of my favorite, it could only happen to you stories. Oh, that and the forest workers behind your house one.

    • Suzanne

      There are a LOT of those stories, and yes I remember them.
      The problem is, I can’t write about them publicly as much now that my life is more in the spotlight.

  3. Julie in Michigan

    This made me laugh real loud!! You are brave for doing both things. Ouch and Eww!!


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