I Am A Neanderthal

I don’t know how to begin this post other than to inform you I’m a sub-species of human.

Wait … let me first tell you I have a big rib cage which I’ve always hated.

I passed it on to my daughter who hates it also.

With that as background,

I’m now going to share with you the text stream my daughter and I had two nights ago.

ME:  Pretty sure we have big ribs because we’re Neanderthals.

Daughter:  Probably.

ME:  No, I’m serious.  I did a 23andMe DNA check and it says I’m in the 99th percentile for the amount of Neanderthal for living humans.  I’m shocked.  And frightened.  And freaked out.  I am 3.3% Neanderthal.  That’s super high.

Daughter:  Haha oh my God.  Wait what is the rest?

ME:  Still waiting for other results.  The first part was so odd they contacted me before the rest is done.  I don’t want to tell your dad cuz if I do I’ll never hear the end of it.  I was better off not knowing.  No wonder I like to be outdoors.  I should know more in the next two weeks.  Probably one of my Swedish relatives f*cked a caveman.

Daughter:  Oh my God – what is even happening right now?  Is this some weird internet DNA test?  And so there are Neanderthals and then what are the other ones?  I’ve never understood this.  

ME:  Ok.  Now you’re making me laugh.  This is a strange text stream.

Daughter:  Probably the weirdest.

ME:  We are Homo Sapiens.  Maybe a caveman dragged her by the hair to his cave?

Daughter:  And Neanderthals are the dirty, dirty, caveman monkeys that kind of look the same?

ME:  Yes!!!

Daughter:  Ah I see.

ME:  Undoubtedly with big ribs!

Daughter:  That really would explain so much.  Because the size of the ribs is not.right.

ME:  Agree!  (I then pasted in some wikipedia info on Neanderthals.)  I’m disgusted with myself.  You shouldn’t worry though because you should have less Neanderthal in you than I do.

Daughter:  I just … I don’t even know what to say.  I really don’t.

ME:  I need a therapist to come to terms with this new found information.

Daughter:  But I don’t understand how there could still be so much after 40,000 years!

ME:  I KNOW!!  Maybe they kept a few as slaves and they weren’t extinct when everyone thought they were!

Daughter:  I’m still confused about it.  Not going to lie.  So they were like pre pre human humans?

ME:  A sub-species.

Daughter:  Creepy.

ME:  So creepy!!

Daughter:  I filled [friend] in on this and she suggests Clan of the Cavebears for  your reading pleasure.  haha

ME:  [sends googled photo of Neanderthal]


ME:  He has extra head!

Daughter:  Oh my God stop.  Ick ick ick

ME:  Ok, I have to go.  But, my eyes do sort of look like his …

Daughter:  Yeah that’s some really excellent visual aid.  And now you just drop this bomb, walk away leaving me here with unwanted knowledge of my roots.

ME:  At least you’re diluted.  Apparently I’m not.

Daughter:  I mean, how diluted could I be?

ME:  Your dad does have a big head …

6 Responses to “I Am A Neanderthal”

  1. Denise

    My first real hahaha laugh of the morning. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Suzanne

      You’re welcome.
      I’m glad it made you smile, but I’m STILL a Neanderthal!

  2. Missy Stalcup

    Bahahaha! Also the Clan of the Cavebears series of books is really good!


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