I don’t know how to begin this post other than to inform you I’m a sub-species of human.
Wait … let me first tell you I have a big rib cage which I’ve always hated.
I passed it on to my daughter who hates it also.
With that as background,
I’m now going to share with you the text stream my daughter and I had two nights ago.
ME: Pretty sure we have big ribs because we’re Neanderthals.
ME: No, I’m serious. I did a 23andMe DNA check and it says I’m in the 99th percentile for the amount of Neanderthal for living humans. I’m shocked. And frightened. And freaked out. I am 3.3% Neanderthal. That’s super high.
Daughter: Haha oh my God. Wait what is the rest?
ME: Still waiting for other results. The first part was so odd they contacted me before the rest is done. I don’t want to tell your dad cuz if I do I’ll never hear the end of it. I was better off not knowing. No wonder I like to be outdoors. I should know more in the next two weeks. Probably one of my Swedish relatives f*cked a caveman.
Daughter: Oh my God – what is even happening right now? Is this some weird internet DNA test? And so there are Neanderthals and then what are the other ones? I’ve never understood this.
ME: Ok. Now you’re making me laugh. This is a strange text stream.
Daughter: Probably the weirdest.
ME: We are Homo Sapiens. Maybe a caveman dragged her by the hair to his cave?
Daughter: And Neanderthals are the dirty, dirty, caveman monkeys that kind of look the same?
Daughter: Ah I see.
ME: Undoubtedly with big ribs!
Daughter: That really would explain so much. Because the size of the ribs is not.right.
ME: Agree! (I then pasted in some wikipedia info on Neanderthals.) I’m disgusted with myself. You shouldn’t worry though because you should have less Neanderthal in you than I do.
Daughter: I just … I don’t even know what to say. I really don’t.
ME: I need a therapist to come to terms with this new found information.
Daughter: But I don’t understand how there could still be so much after 40,000 years!
ME: I KNOW!! Maybe they kept a few as slaves and they weren’t extinct when everyone thought they were!
Daughter: I’m still confused about it. Not going to lie. So they were like pre pre human humans?
ME: A sub-species.
ME: So creepy!!
Daughter: I filled [friend] in on this and she suggests Clan of the Cavebears for your reading pleasure. haha
ME: [sends googled photo of Neanderthal]
ME: He has extra head!
Daughter: Oh my God stop. Ick ick ick
ME: Ok, I have to go. But, my eyes do sort of look like his …
Daughter: Yeah that’s some really excellent visual aid. And now you just drop this bomb, walk away leaving me here with unwanted knowledge of my roots.
ME: At least you’re diluted. Apparently I’m not.
Daughter: I mean, how diluted could I be?
ME: Your dad does have a big head …