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It’s Done, But It’s Not Over

I had a much dreaded colonoscopy yesterday.

As everyone had warned me, the prep for it was way worse than the test itself.  And by prep, I mean drinking The Vile Shit-Cleanser ahead of time.  The nonstop, pooping isn't as bad as choking down the gag-producing concoction you're forced to drink.  (At least, for me it wasn't.  Not that nonstop shitting is fun ….)  

Yesterday afternoon, I arrived on time, but the OR rooms were extremely backed up and I had a long wait ahead of me.

I met Dr. Important while I waited.

He is VERY nice.  In spite of the embarrassment factor of meeting him for the first time and discussing a possible future dinner out (yes, we really did), and then having him put  a 300 mile long tube up my ass ….  I'm happy Briefcase got me in to see him.  

Dr. Important is, indeed, a very important doc in his field of medicine.  He's also a really, really, nice guy.  

As far as the actual procedure, I remember being wheeled back to the room and the nurses getting things set up.

The next thing I remember was semi-waking up at one point during the colonoscopy and saying, "Ow!" because I felt cramping in my abdomen.  I saw Dr. Important look up, nod to the nurse and I was instantly out again.

Those are some very magical drugs they use.

Awhile later, I was waking up in the recovery room.  In front of me was a somber Dr. Important.  I instantly knew, the test didn't go as perfectly as I had imagined it would.

I have no family history of colon cancer, but Dr. Important explained to me it is currently the third highest killer of both men and women in our country.

In case you're wondering, for women the leading killer cancers are:

1.  Breast

2.  Lung

3.  Colon

For men the leading killer cancers are:

1.  Prostate

2.  Lung

3.  Colon

Dr. Important showed me photos, and a video, of what he found during my test.

As it turns out, he removed four polyps.

They weren't "normal" polyps either.

They were weird, bad types, of polyps.

Very unusual polyps doing funky things polyps aren't supposed to do.

He told me it was not at all what he would expect to find in someone of my (very young!) age.

(I might have added the "very young" to that dialog, but can you blame me?) 

A couple of the polyps were also very difficult to recognize as polyps and a less experienced doctor could have easily missed them.

I will find out if any, or all of, the polyps are cancerous in a week or two.

In the meantime, I'm sticking my head in the sand and convincing myself I do not have colon cancer.  

I do not have colon cancer, I do not have colon cancer, I do not have colon cancer.

Damn, I sure hope I don't have colon cancer.

(I will, of course, update you once I get the pathology reports back.)

In the meantime, I'm not allowed to exercise or eat any spicy foods for the next week while my colon heals from having the polyps removed.  (Either/or could cause bleeding and if there's bleeding, I have to get right back into the hospital.)

There was also more not-so-good news.

Even if the polyps are NOT cancerous, he wants to have me come back in six months and go through the procedure again under full anesthesia.  (This time I was under "conscious sedation" which is why I sorta woke up at one point.)

He explained my colon is more difficult than some to scope (of course, it is!) and so he wants to knock me completely out so he can do an extra thorough exam.  Also, since my body is producing these weird, unusual, straight-from-outer-space polyps – he will have to watch me closely even if these initial polyps come back benign.

In other words, I have a lot of colonoscopies in my future.

Just a day ago I told Briefcase I would never, ever, drink that prep stuff again.

I was wrong.

I'll be drinking it again soon, and many times in my future.

And you know what?

Dr. Important said, "Thank goodness you came in when you did."

No kidding.

Colon cancer usually first shows itself in a polyp.

I am SO glad I had the test done.

I'm also SO glad I had such a great doctor do it.

(If you're in The OC and need a referral, feel free to email me and I will happily give you Dr. Important's real name.)

P.S.  If you have any symptoms, even MINOR symptoms, please get over your colonoscopy fears and go get checked regardless of what age you are.

P.P.S.  If you're 50 years old, or older, and haven't had a colonoscopy yet you need to pull your head out of your ass the sand and book one NOW.

No excuses people!

It's important.

© Twenty Four At Heart 

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Day Two of Fasting

Well, today's the day I get a camera up the ass.

(Around 2ish this afternoon, if you want to know details!)

I suppose it's only fitting for someone who is as obsessed by photography as I am.

Thank you for all the helpful, and hilarious, comments yesterday.

I, literally, used your ideas for a shopping trip both to the drugstore and the grocery store.

I will try to get at least a one liner post up tomorrow letting you know I'm FINE.

Which I am, and will be.

(Although, I have been gagging down the prep stuff they make you drink.  OMG!  I don't even like to drink water.  Why isn't there a pill you can just take to accomplish the same thing?  UGH! I have to drink FOUR LITERS, a gallon, of it.  Worst.Thing.Ever!)

In other news, I stopped by to see my friends at the plastic surgery office yesterday.  (I needed more eye cream, and I buy it there.)  It was a full on hug-fest when I saw everybody.

"Twenty Four's here, let's stop working and have a party!"

I love those people, I really do.


Almost every time I stop in they ask me if I want to be a guinea pig for the latest and greatest magic beauty trick.

It's fun!

(And yes, they benefit when I write about my experiences because publicity from someone who loves and respects them is a good thing.  Their office is so busy though, it isn't like they NEED me to write about them.)

Anyway, I'm going to attend their staff meeting next Tuesday (unless some unforeseen something interferes with my plans).  They're going to be reviewing and learning about some new STUFF and I'm going to be learning right along with them.

And yes, I've already agreed to be a guinea pig for some of this new STUFF down the road.  I'm not even quite sure what I agreed to, but when I find out I'll let you know.  I do know it's non-surgical.  

When the time comes, I'll also write quite honestly about whatever they end up doing to me.  (As you'll recall, they let me be a guinea pig for Zerona treatment and I was not impressed and told you so.)  

Sadly enough, they haven't yet offered me an "extreme makeover."

While I was at the office yesterday, they zapped a little red spot I've had on my face for a good ten years.  Just ZAPPED it with a laser and it was gone.


(And no, I wasn't asked to pay for it.  And no, I wasn't asked, or expected, to write about it.  And no, I didn't have an appointment to do it.  This is just what happens whenever I walk in to visit.  It took all of a millisecond.)

Also, a woman was waiting for an appointment.  I had never met her before, and still have no idea who she was.  She looked at me as I walked through the waiting area and out of the blue she said, "They're going to have to drag me kicking and screaming to old age."

Ha ha!

THAT is Orange County in a nutshell!

In any case, I'll keep you updated as I learn more about whatever it is I'll be doing with them.

In the meantime, I'll be hanging out at Camp Bathroom until later today.

I have, literally, set up everything I need to entertain myself for hours in there.  I'm nothing, if not a multi-tasker.

Sheesh, aren't you proud to know me?

P.S.  If you leave me a comment saying hello and/or delurking today it will give me something to read while I'm, ahem, sitting around!  : )

© Twenty Four At Heart

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Up Yours, I Mean MINE

Before I get started on today's post, I have to ask if you saw the moon last night?

I took the above photo from my back patio.  

It was so pretty.  

Watching the "moon rises" over the mountain is one of my favorite things about where I live.  

Anyway …

You'll have to excuse me if I'm a little cranky in the next day or two.

I'm fasting.

Clear liquids (water and tea, etc.) only.

For two days!


I'm also more than a little anxious (in other words DREADING) having a colonoscopy on Thursday.

How gross, right?


I've been having stomach issues for some time.  I'm sure it's just stress.  (I have things going on in my life – who doesn't?)

But …

My doc suggested I have a colonoscopy just to make sure nothing weird's going on.  

Have I ever mentioned my husband works in the medical field?

He knows every Dr. Important in the United States, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, etc., etc.  

So this is what's going to happen …

I'll be fasting for two days.

I'll be drinking HORRIBLE STUFF on Wednesday night, and again on Thursday morning.

I'll be flushing a lot on both days (and possibly playing Angry Birds and/or Tiny Wings while sitting on a toilet).

(Is that more than you wanted to know??)

On Thursday afternoon one of my husband's friends will be sticking a camera up my ass.

Yes, someone my husband goes out to Important Dinners with will be giving me The Ultimate Anal Probe.

That won't be at all awkward now, will it?

Can't you just picture their next dinner out at some big fancy restaurant?

Dr. Important will say (as he munches on a chicken wing clam), "So Briefcase, I couldn't help but notice your wife has a Brazilian.  Do you like it?"

And Briefcase will nonchalantly reply, "Well, Dr. Important, it works for me."

Speaking of the state of my hoo haa (which is exactly what we're doing right now), it just so happens I'm currently overdue for my monthly waxing.  My waxing salon is booked up until next week.  I will be crotch-to-face with Dr. Important … looking a little, um, unkempt.


How much worse can it get?

I mean, as if having a camera stuck up your ass by your husband's FRIEND isn't bad enough!

I keep imagining my conversation with Dr. Important during this "procedure."

Dr. Important:  "Well, Twenty Four, would you like to join Briefcase and I for dinner at the Ritz Carlton next time we go?"

"Um, gee, no thanks Dr. Important.  I'd hate to put a DAMPer on the conversation."

Dr. Important:  "Well, we'll miss you.  On the other hand, maybe you could use that time alone to tidy up your snatch a little."

(Yes, these are the type of things I REALLY DO think about!)

Now, I know someone will ask why I have to fast for TWO days – instead of the normal ONE day.  It's a result of a combination of factors, none of which really matter.  The only reason I mention it at all is because I've been blogging for long enough to know at least one person will write in and say, "I had a colonoscopy and only had to fast for ONE day."

I'm sure that's very true.

But, in my case, there are reasons.

I've been told, by brave souls who have had this procedure done, I will NOT remember having a camera up my ass at all.  Dr. Important (like most docs, I'm sure) gives his patients an "amnesia drug."  Supposedly, I will leave with no memory, whatsoever, of the test.  

In fact, someone I know and trust told me "it's simple, it's nothing."


Well, regardless, you can bet I will tell you honestly if it's indeed "nothing."  I will also tell you whether or not the amnesia drug works.  Will I, or won't I, remember my husband's friend sticking a camera up my ass and having a look-see around?

I honestly would be more comfortable having a gyn exam by one of my husband's friends vs. a colonoscopy.

It's still a full day away, but I'm filled with nothing but DREAD.

And shit.

I guess I'm full of shit too …


© Twenty Four At Heart

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No Time to Pee

Seriously, have you ever needed to pee and three hours later you still haven't had time to go?

That's how my yesterday was, except I think it might have been "holding it" longer than three hours.

Most of the day, I felt like a hamster on one of those Very Fancy Hamster Wheels – running as fast as I could and getting nowhere.

Except, I did go somewhere ….

I went to a neighboring city (about a half hour away) FIVE SEPARATE TIMES in one day.  If I'm doing the math correctly, it's a one hour round trip and that means I spent five hours of my day driving back and forth to nearly the exact same place.

I win!

(And no, it couldn't be helped, for very boring reasons I won't go into.)

I also had the joy of asserting my parental rights/authority on a misguided high school guidance counselor.

A misguided guidance counselor … OXYMORON!

I win again!

That was fun ….

Here's a mini rant:

It should be against the law for summer league high school baseball games (3 per week) to begin two days after the end of the spring season banquet.  In addition, it should be against the law for summer league games to begin before school is out.  (Most of the kids are in school for another couple weeks here in Orange County!)  Lastly, it should be against the law for summer league games to be going on just before and during high school final exams.

Just sayin' …..

Oh, one more thing on a completely different topic,

I got earth shattering news yesterday …

If you google turgid nipples, Twenty Four At Heart will pop up as the top (as in, NUMBER ONE) resource of information.

Go ahead, try it – I'll wait.

I think this news officially qualifies me for The Blogger Hall of Fame (which is a new Hall of Fame I totally made up just this second, but which is an awesome concept).

Why can't I remember where periods and parentheses go today?

(.) ( ). …. (((  )))  ( )  (  )

Everything I type looks funny.

OMG, I have fried brain.

I'll be better tomorrow.


The End.

© Twenty Four At Heart

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Mish Mash

•  First things first, the winner of Friday's contest was Pam.  And since more than one Pam entered the contest, it was the Pam with the following comment:

Happy Friday to you too! I hope you get your laptop back soon. The sun is shining here today–Thank God!!! Finally. :)

Have a great weekend.

Pam, when you send me the email address you prefer, I will have your Amazon $50.00 gift card emailed directly to you.

Thank you to everyone who participated.

•  Rooster Feather Controversy – After posting about my feather hair extension, a few readers contacted me to inform me roosters are being killed just to support this latest fashion craze.  However, I was also contacted by a hair stylist who told me most salons are using human hair extensions colored to look like feathers.  My take away on the matter is this – ask your stylist where his/her feathers come from if you plan to get a feather added to your hair.  

•  My laptop is back!  Woo hoo!  You probably already figured that out since I was able to post photos over the weekend.

•  I was all over Orange County last weekend.

It was pretty,

As it usually is ….

Did you know people photoshop sun rays into their photos a lot?

I did not photoshop the above sun rays.  Also, I never photoshop fake sun rays.

Just sayin' …. 

•  The highlight of the weekend was attending a very special wedding on Balboa Island in Newport Beach.  The reception was held at the Balboa Yacht Club and the bride arrived to the reception by boat.


She looked gorgeous!

The wedding photographer went missing just prior to the bride's arrival at the reception.  I was asked to fill in and take shots of her arrival, etc.  I was honored and the photos came out great.

How could they not, with such a beautiful bride?

© Twenty Four At Heart

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Balboa Yacht Club

I was at a wedding in Newport Beach yesterday.

I wish I could have taken each of you with me.

Wouldn't we have had fun?

It was a wonderful day, and a really special wedding.

The reception was held at the Balboa Yacht Club.

When we arrived, the sun was out and the weather was spectacular.

And then ….


It became a beautiful evening.

© Twenty Four At Heart

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Because It’s Friday

Because it is Friday . . . And because I still do not have my computer back to write with . . . Or to share photos . . . And/or to maintain my sanity . . . . And also because apostrophes just stopped working on the keyboard I am trying to type on . . . I am going to give away one $50.00 Amazon gift card. Just because. All you need to do is leave me a comment to be entered. You may leave as many comments as you like. Each comment counts as one entry. Comments will be closed at 9 p.m. Pacific time tonight. The winner will be picked using random integer software and announced on Monday. Good luck!

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Feathers In My Hair

* I still don't have a computer.  It makes it very difficult to get photos uploaded.  Today's photos were taken with my iPhone. *

It's apparently a very bad year to be a rooster.

Hair stylists in Orange County are paying $300 for small, minimum, orders of rooster feather hair extensions to adorn people with.

These same feather hair extensions are selling out within minutes of becoming available.  Feathers are very in right now.  I suppose we have Steven Tyler (from the band Aerosmith and this season's American Idol) to thank for that.

Yesterday, I walked into my usual salon for a haircut.

The salon always displays/sells trendy jewelry in their waiting area.


It's mainly all feather jewelry right now.

Feather necklaces and feather bracelets …

And also feather earrings:


I decided to have my hair styled a little shorter this time, with lots of choppy layers for summer.  It came out cute and sassy.  I think it will be a fun cut for the warm weather.  I can blow dry it straight, or scrunch it up with a little styling gel right out of the shower and get on with my day.

Just as I was about to leave, my stylist suggested I add a feather extension to my hair.  She pulled out bright fuschia pink, turquoise blue, and purple striped rooster feathers.  She explained a feather extension would last for about three months.

I was tempted.

I love to play with my hair and I especially like to do fun things with it in the summer.  (Some of you'll recall, I've put pink, purple and even blue streaks in my blonde hair from time to time.)

I told her I'm definitely up for a bright color or two a little later in the summer.  (Perhaps right before BlogHer in August to help make me more identifiable in the crowd.)

I had a huge parent, high school sponsored, banquet to attend last night though and I didn't want to be quite so BRIGHT for it.  (I think I've already been labeled as "the creative type," as it is.)

"I've got just the thing," she replied. 

And she did …. 

It's subtle and I can easily hide it in my hair when I don't want to show it off.  The rest of the time, it adds a little bit of fun to my life.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with feather extensions, you can wash and style your hair just the same as you always do when wearing them.  They last around three months, and can be adjusted during that time period to coincide with the growth of your hair.

Later in the day, a friend told me she has an aunt who's 85 years old and just got several feather extensions "which look fabulous."

"I'll be that woman when I'm 85," I commented a bit sheepishly.

"That's why I love you," was the reply.

I smiled.

After all, why not have fun?

It's just hair ….

Or in this case, feathers.

© Twenty Four At Heart

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You Know It’s Not a Good Day When …

I'm borrowing a laptop so I can say hello to all of you today.

If I'm worse than usual at getting back to your emails and comments, I hope you'll understand I don't have access to a computer right now.

The built-in mouse on my MacBook was acting up.

Acting up, as in, I had to pound on it to make it work.  I took it in to see an Apple Genius yesterday.  He was a nice Genius.  He immediately noticed my screensaver and told me it was an "incredible" photo.

"I took that photo," I said smiling, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. 

(And of course that led to a conversation about photography.) 

The Genius did say I might need an intervention though.

I think he came to that conclusion when he told me he'd have to keep my laptop for a few days and I started howling, "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!  You can't take it awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

Then I might have begged, pleaded, offered sexual favors, and requested speedy service.


But, that isn't the only thing that was a "blip" in my yesterday.

I got a speeding ticket in the morning too.

It's the first ticket, of any kind, I've had since I was 20 years old.

So …

That means it's been four years, right?

I couldn't even argue the ticket.

I deserved it.

I was going just a few miles over the speed limit … not too bad.

Then I decided to pass someone who was in front of me.

I sped up a lot even more, passed the slower car and pulled back into my lane again.  I promptly came face to face with Mr. Officer's radar gun.


To make matters worse, he was a nice cop.

I could have convinced myself I was angry if he'd been a dick about it.

"I'm sorry," I told him.  "I'm late for an appointment and I was going too fast."

"Just a little too fast," he replied regretfully.

He hung his head as if it ruined his day to give me a ticket.

The man looked absolutely dejected.

I wondered if I should flash some cleavage.  

I mean, I have a lot of cleavage to spare, and it's definitely helped me out of a jam before.


He was just such a nice guy.

I didn't feel like it would be fair to hypnotize him with my spell-provoking cleavage.

I could tell he felt really bad about giving me a ticket though, just not bad enough to let me off.  He said my driving record is "commendable" and then he made me sign on the dotted line, making it not-so-commendable-anymore.


I hear you can do traffic school online now to get tickets erased off your record.  Is that true?

Doing it online would be right up my alley ….

If I had my computer back, that is.

© Twenty Four At Heart