A Difficult Anniversary

I was in Money Town.  I had just dropped PR off at baseball practice.  I stood in the parking lot for a few minutes chatting with another mom from the team.  It was around 5 p.m. and a beautiful summer evening.  I got in my SUV to head home and exited the sports park.  At the end of the driveway is a 4-way stop.  I stopped.  Another car approached, stopped, and waited for me to proceed into the intersection.  I did.

There are times in life when everything seems to speed up.  There are times when life is suddenly in slow motion.  As I pulled into the intersection I watched, in slow motion, as my life was permanently altered.  Coming through another lane, running the stop sign, came a third car.  The driver's eyes met and held mine in the milli-seconds before impact.  His BMW t-boned my car on the driver's side.  The thought flashed through my head as he collided into me, "Thank God I just dropped off PR."  

Contents in the car went flying everywhere.  My SUV spun a full 360 degrees on impact.  My back tires were blown out.  My body hurt instantly.  The noise of the crash was akin to an explosion and heard from more than a mile away.  When my car came to a stop it was facing the direction I had come from.  There were skid marks on the street.  There was debris from the accident strewn everywhere.  I couldn't get out of my car because the door had been jammed by the impact.  My left leg was swelling quickly, and something was terribly wrong with my right arm. 

Today is the two year anniversary of my car accident.  It is a date I will acknowledge for the remainder of my life.  There was my life before the accident.  There is my life since the accident.  They are two different lives, and I am a different person now.

There have been five surgeries.  Two "top" surgeons have worked on me.  When I had the first surgery, I thought the doctor would fix me and, with a few months to recover, I would return to my old life.  Clearly, that is not what happened. 

Until very recently I sobbed, and I don't mean cried - I mean sobbed, daily in breathtaking pain.  All the pain meds in the world could not mask the teeth clenching, oh-so-intense pain I was in.  Pain that would not allow me to sleep except in brief interludes.  In fact, even now, two years later, I have yet to sleep through the night even once since the accident.

Two years ... today.  Two years and much of it spent in a drugged up post-surgery haze.  Trying to mother my kids, sending one off to college, all the time wondering if I could get through just one more day.  My life has been just one more piece, the largest piece, of debris from the accident.   

I am right handed.  My right hand works, but my right arm does not.  Imagine trying to go through one full day not only with intense pain, but with your dominant arm tied behind your back.  From the moment you wake up, until you fall asleep. 

Imagine just for that one day.  Brushing teeth?  Showering?  Shaving?  Shampooing?  Brushing hair?  Blow drying hair?  Putting on make-up?  Getting dressed?  Pouring coffee?  Opening doors?  Driving one handed?  Making beds?  Changing sheets?  Cleaning?  Lifting?  Putting dishes away?  Carrying even small objects?  Not being able to carry pots for cooking or cleaning, not being able to stir or chop for cooking, not even being able to cut your own food with a knife.  

Not being able to hug your own children. 

Now imagine your life like that permanently.  Losing several hobbies including your favorite hobby of gardening.  The joy of planting a flower ... gone.  Losing the ability to do just about everything you did before. 

And the worst thing?  Being a (very!) independent woman who is now forced to depend on others for help with simple every day things.  Having to ask your children to open doors for you, help you push a grocery cart, lift things for you, and humiliating as it is ... even cut your food for you.    

Now imagine living like that for two years ... and counting. 

Envision, initially, a community coming out in force to support you and your family.  Friends, and even people you barely know, bringing meals for you.  People offering to go to the grocery store and provide rides for your kids while you are too drugged up to get behind the wheel. 

Then flash forward to the one year point.  With more surgeries scheduled.  And your "friends"?  Well, most of them have completely disappeared once it became apparent there would be no neat and tidy recovery.  Not even phone calls to check in and see how you are.  Nothing. 

Let's face it, someone disabled, and in intense pain, is just not much fun are they?  It makes us feel uncomfortable ... being reminded that sometimes, in life, bad things happen.  Maybe it even makes some people feel like they might "catch" your misfortune.  As a caveat, if you ever have a friend go through something like this, they need your support much more for surgeries number three, four and five than they ever did for the first one. 

And now, today, it has been two years.

The life changes went beyond the ongoing surgeries, recoveries, pain, and disability.  In addition to the readily apparent trauma, there was also the loss of a lifestyle.  That loss, is the biggest loss of all.  For two years there has been a new lifestyle.  Long days of trying to complete basic day to day activities.  Hours upon hours spent with my physical therapist. 

Physical therapy has been my "occupation" for two years now.  Often I have gone to PT daily, six days a week, for three hour sessions.  Long painful sessions during which I have alternated swearing at my therapist, begging him to stop hurting me, and sobbing on him.

Add in nonstop doctor appointments, painful injections, and the stress of the inevitable accident-related lawsuit.  Just the fact that a lawsuit exists is incredibly stressful.  Lawyers are stressful.  Also, did I mention the private investigator who is following me, trying to take a photo or videotape of me "faking" my injury?  Never knowing when someone might click a camera is also stressful.  (Not to mention, invasive.)  

There has been very little time to have a real life.  No time even for the things I might be able to still do with one working arm.  There is more ... so much more I could write, but the purpose of this post is not to list every life change, nor is it to have a pity party.  I am writing this post to acknowledge the reality of what this date means to me.  This date has divided my life into "before" and "after". 

I am aware many people have far worse things to deal with in life.  Soldiers are coming home from Iraq without arms.  Knowing that, does not prevent me from feeling frustrated about having mine, pain-filled, attached, and not working.  There is guilt that comes with that too.  No one needs to remind me of how much worse my accident could have been.  No one needs to remind me that my injuries, although painful and disabling, are not life threatening.  I have been living and breathing this for two years now.  I know, sadly, there are people who are hurting worse than me.  My heart aches for them with intense empathy. 

The woman (a medical professional and I use the word professional loosely) who told me I "must have been a bad person in a previous life" and therefore I "have to pay for it now in this one"?  She, especially, was not helpful.  I really could have gotten through a few of the toughest months without her.  Her comment, as repulsive and hurtful as it was, just about pushed me over the edge at a time when I was at the lowest in my life.  

Another individual, a convert to the book The Secret, told me I had "caused" the accident and resulting nightmare by the thoughts I put out into the universe drawing the other driver towards my car.  I explained to her, no, I did not cause the accident with my thoughts.  The asshole who ran the stop sign caused the accident.  I think she was offended.  So was I. 

Blaming the victim injured is easier for some people than accepting the reality which is bad things really do happen to good people.      

I think the worst of my ordeal is behind me.  There will, hopefully, be no more surgeries.  Physical therapy is now limited most of the time to three days each week.  The last surgery I had seems to have been the most successful.  My pain level has dropped to a point where I can manage it on most days.  The pain is always there, but it now falls into more reasonable boundaries.  Quite honestly, even three months ago I was wishing someone would euthanize me.  No one should have to live with pain like that.  It was, truly, beyond unbearable.

My doctor saw me on Monday and announced I have regressed recently.  He is "very concerned".  He has renewed the treatment of horrible injections.  He's insisting on more frequent visits to see him.  I choose not to believe what he's saying, although I will follow his direction.  I am trying to deny the existence of this regression.  I'm insisting to myself that it is only a minor, temporary, setback.  I will live in my world of denial for as long as I can.

He also felt, with the milestone of my two year anniversary, it was time to have a serious talk with me about my long term prognosis.  I can't write about what he said yet.  I'm not ready to face it.  It was not positive, and it was much worse than what I expected to hear.  Let's leave it at that.

Despite my doctor's words of doom and gloom, my hope is that as time goes on, perhaps the pain will decrease even further.  Perhaps I will regain at least a portion of the function I have lost.  I'll take anything at all ... the smallest of improvements are still improvements.  Next year, on this date, I will probably write another anniversary post.  I hope I will be able to share with you then, a year of milestones and accomplishments.  I hope I will be able to share with you then, news that I was able to plant a flower. 

Even if it's just one flower ... it would mean the world to me.

            

Comments

[Duchess]

You will plant that flower, and I look forward to hearing which, among them all, you have chosen.

[Kelly]

Oh god ... you got me crying! Don't listen to your dr., you will plant that flower. I know you will.

[Jan]

I wish I were there with you. I wish I could hug you and cry with you. I wish I could hold you hand while you told me what the doctor said. I wish I could wipe away your tears and make you a warm chocolate souffle.

I also wish I could hunt down those two people and strap them to a chair and let them know EXACTLY what I think of them. It would not be brief. It would not be pleasant. It would leave them with no doubt just what they did, what kind of thoughts they articulated, in THIS life to have deserved such treatment.

Assholes.

[jo]

People have a way of saying the "wrong things" in their attempt to offer "solace"???? We want to help and fix for the person suffering. We say ridiculous things like, "I understand"....uh huh, right. Or the old, "it could be so much worse"......."at least you didn't ________(fill in the blank...I bet you've heard it all)". I am so sorry for the physical and psychological pain you must endure daily and I am reminded by your accident that our lives can change in a split second and we must cherish what we have, now! Those flowers that you will be planting...daisies, right?!
xxxooo

[Janie]

Damn people who think they have the right to tell you what you've done to deserve something like that!! I understand completely as my daughter is in constant pain but looks perfectly fine on the outside and people just choose to ignore it and pretend you're fine so they don't have to feel guilty about the distance they are putting between themselves and the person in pain. You are strong and determined and let no person make you think otherwise. Get out there and plant that damn flower with your left hand/arm and that will be a first step to being able to do it with the right hand/arm in the near future!!! I have faith in you.

[Michelle]

This brought out so many different emotions. Pain for you, anger, hope. You must know that now you have the entire internet pulling for you. If I could hug you I would.

[joan]

No one knows what the future holds, but you've put up a hellofa fight these past two years. No matter how far you will continue to progress, you will put your heart and soul into the trying. I will be there for your next anniversary post, and I will be cheering you on between then and now.

[Judi]

I'm impressed that you are able to put together a coherent thought after all you've been through. Having had 2 surgeries in the last 2 years, I have an inkling of the toll that alone takes on your body, your psyche and your family.

Your strength to have made it this far is inspiring - keeping up this blog, taking great pictures (this boggles my mind - I know of no left-hand-friendly cameras), getting out to the beach, raising your kids. I am new to your blog, but know enough of you already to know that you will keep fighting and getting through all the obstacles ahead, one way or another.

And the lawsuit pisses me off almost more than the insensitive comments. Can't people just take responsibility for their actions? For them to think you're faking in any way is so beyond reprehensible.

[MDR]

OMG the audacity some people have! My heart aches ...

[EricaB]

I wish I had the words...

First off, I tried to read The Secret and it just pissed me off. "If you think hard enough about a check arriving in the mail it will..." give me a flipping break! No matter how much I will my cell bill to NOT show up every month it still does.

I think what you wrote is incredibly courageous and eye opening.

I'm telling you - the east coast awaits a visit!

[jerri]

Bless you and the many, many flowers to come.

[Bev]

I cannot even imagine what you have been through. Things that people like me take for granted everyday...you have lost. I pray that this will be a year of great milestones for you. That your pain will lessen even more and that you will plant that flower. Thanks for sharing such a personal thing with your blog friends. It cannot have been an easy thing for you to do.

I send you a great big virtual hug!

[BCL]

There are no words ... I just wish you hugs!

[Lynn K.]

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

[Jason]

What a moving, honest, heart-felt, well-written post! I always knew you were a good writer, but this...this is FANTASTIC, even though it is about a very hard thing to share.

Life is SO cruel sometimes. And people are even MORE cruel.

I am sorry that the doctor had bad news for you. I hate that. And I'm so sad for the pain that you have to tolerate. But I don't think you wrote this to get my pity.

From all I know about you, you have taken on this undeserved hardship like a trooper. I am proud of you! You're not letting it keep you from living your life, although sometimes I'm sure you feel like just never getting out of bed.

Way to go.

[alntv]

Unbelievable the things you have gone through. And I find it someone remarkable that you seem to be handling it as well as you are! Keep your chin up and don't listen to the negatives that people give you. They are full of bullcrap. It is unfortunate what has happened to you but it is, in no way, because you were "bad in a formal life". What kind of talk is that? Like you say, bad things happen to good people. You are a strong person, and you will continue to fight this injury! We are all behind you! And I have you in my prayers! :-)

[pat]

I found this blog today. So glad I did. A courageous post. Many hugs to you!

[Ry]

I genuinely wish I could reach out and hug you. I can't believe some of the things people dared to say to you. Pardon me but that is some serious bullshit. I'm glad you're able to see through them and realize that the truth of the matter is, shit happens and a lot of people are morons.

Past life? Gimme a break. That "professional" should be fired.

I was in an awful accident about 10 years ago. People said a number of things to me at the time that I doubt I'll ever let go. They just don't understand how it effects you mentally.

I know we don't know eachother except from our blogs but if you ever need a friend, I have an open ear!

[heart shaped hedges]

Im praying that you defy the doctors!...and also, speaking of karma and secrets, there are a few people that have a kick in the rear coming to them!

Our family has faced difficult times, and I have held on to God's promise that He can bring good from a bad situation. We have found that to be true, and I hope you do too!

[Tricia]

This morning I read your post and was stumped for words and short on time. Then, on my way home from an appointment, I passed a nursery and thought of you. I stopped, bought a flower, came home and planted it. Not because I don't believe you'll plant one yourself, but because I want to remember this story and I want to remember that life really does change in an instant. Thank you for sharing this, and I'm wishing you all the best!

[Tricia]

This morning I read your post and was stumped for words and short on time. Then, on my way home from an appointment, I passed a nursery and thought of you. I stopped, bought a flower, came home and planted it. Not because I don't believe you'll plant one yourself, but because I want to remember this story and I want to remember that life really does change in an instant. Thank you for sharing this, and I'm wishing you all the best!

[Shannon]

the secret is bulls**t. I just found your blog and I wish you well.

[Stephanie]

When someone is going through a difficult time such as this, why do people say the stupidest things! Thank you for reminding us all how we can be more supportive to those around us who are suffering. A good friend simply listens and says, "I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now."

Many times the person in pain or turmoil isn't looking for salvation, direction, or how to fix it all... but simply a friend to listen and offer a hug.

[Margaret]

I don't even know what I could possibly say, although, Tricia's comment moved me very much. I know I can't say anything to make your pain go away, or even make painful assholes go away. But know this:
You amaze me.
I admire your strength, even if, at times, you try to deny you have it.
I am happy to have you in my life, even if it's just as bloggy friends right now.
This was an awesome, heartfelt, extremely well-written, provocative post.
* HUGS *

[Momo Fali]

Wow. Just wow. You plant flowers with your posts all the time. They're far more beautiful than petals on a stem.

[Black Hockey Jesus]

I like the way you end by imagining yourself into the future. That's what makes us human: to be able to invent ourselves and move toward those inventions. I hope you have a better 3rd year than 1 & 2. ~BHJ

[Linda]

I have no words. *hugs*
OK words....Thank you for this post. I have no idea how I found your blog but here I am. You are courageous and honest and funny. You will plant flowers. I will visit you (virtually) often. More *hugs* and *warm thoughts*!!!

[CourtneyRyan369]

I don't have words for you other than I too believe that bad things can happen to good people and that dumb people happen to good people too.

It's sort of funny, I'm planting flowers later today. Daisies for my kitchen in fact. I'll plant some for you too.

I've just discovered your blog, but I'll be back for more.

Hugs from across the country,
Courtney

[Kristan Hoffman]

Hey, I'm here via phhhst (phhhst.blogspot.com) and I just wanted to say this is a wonderfully written post. I don't know whether or not you'll plant that flower (I sure hope so!) and I don't know how those people could be so terrible to you, but I do know that one thing the accident did not take away from you is an extraordinary way with words. Thank you for sharing them with us.

Much love,
Kristan

[CarolQ]

This is way late but only because I just found your blog today (Halloween). All I can say is...Wow. I'm in Seattle area and a transplant from the San Fernando Valley. I was homesick for SC when I got here and the things people would say to me like, "Aren't you glad you're not there any more?" and other such things. Thoughtless.

THAT was just an up-rooting but you have had a life-ALTERING experience! I cannot imagine the daily pain you are going through and I pray I never will. I also pray that you will not be going through this for too much longer. For a problem I had, that no Dr. could help, I finally went to an accupuncturist and did get a lot of mobility back (long story). If you've never gone to one, check around with any Chinese or other Asian people you might know for a good one. They can do so much! I will pray for you and I hope you nail the a**hole who T-boned you.

But, I worked for an insurance company in Southern California and they always refuse to pay for some @#$%^&* reason. You will win in the end but it is so stressful! You go, Girl!