Sex and Hello Are Not The Same Thing

Family members?  Go away.  You can come back in a few days.  I'm talking about stuff you don't want to hear this week. 

To all my readers, if sexually explicit references offend you, please come back on Tuesday.  To my male real-life friends, this post was not written about you.  

I recently read an article discussing the communication gap between men and women.  I found the article amusing.  Unfortunately I was leafing through several magazines at the time and I don't recall which one the article was in so I can't quote my source.  I hate it when I do that.  The article made me laugh, but it also left me concerned.  Many of my favorite friends are men.  If the article is accurate, my friendships with men might be in trouble.

According to the article, men read sex into just about every form of communication a women transmits.  Here are some examples. 

I say "hello" and he thinks, "She wants me."

I ask, "How have you been?"

He thinks, "She can't leave me alone ... she wants to give me a blow job!"

In reality?  All I'm thinking about is running to the store for tampons after we finish our pleasantries.  Maybe I'm thinking about the dirty kitchen at home.  Your personal pleasure stick?  It's not really on my mind.  I hate to break it to my male readers, but that's how women think.  We are mentally running through our to-do lists during our every waking moment.  Sometimes even during sex if you aren't performing well enough don't distract us enough.  (Distract us, distract us!!)

I wish I had the article in front of me as I write this, but the statistics quoted were staggering.  During a brief male/female conversation they say men are thinking about sex or sexual references 80 - 90% of the time.  For women, I think it ranged around 10% of the time.

When I'm at physical therapy and I say, "I'm really wet!" I am referring to the bag of ice that melted on me.  The man sitting across from me, however, is instantly alert and extremely attentive.  In fact, he's falling all over himself to start up a conversation.  We are not on the same page.

When that same man says to his PT, "Hey, stop rubbing my thigh you just gave me a hard-on," I definitely glance over.  (What?  You wouldn't??)

The difference being, he is clearly making a reference to something sexual and I absolutely am not.

If I send an email to a male friend saying, "I was thinking about you today, how are you?" it does not mean I want to do you desperately this very minute.  Also, I'm not sitting at my laptop thinking about giving you head.  (Sorry, I'm sure it would be a titillating experience and all, but ...!)  No, it just means something reminded me of you and I thought I'd check in to hear how you are.  That's all ... honestly.  And by the way, I hope you're doing great.

According to the article, a female complimenting a man is interpreted by the man as hot, steamy, moaning, desire.  (Okay, so I got carried away and threw the word "moaning" in.  Don't ask.) 

I'm now afraid to even say, "I like your shirt" to a male friend.  I don't want him to think I'm gearing up to strip off his clothes, rub myself all over him, and start sucking on his ... earlobes.  Really I'm just thinking his shirt might look nice on my son, RC.  Or maybe I'm thinking it's the same shade of blue I'd like to paint in my upstairs bathroom.

I tend to be a complimenter, but not an insincere one.  I'm very genuine about giving compliments.  I know most of us don't get patted on the back nearly as often as we deserve.  I make a point of praising people on their positive traits.  In the case of my male friends, are they interpreting those compliments as lust on my part?  This particular article  says yes, they are. 

If a male friend tells me he fixed a broken pipe and I say, "It's great you're so handy," does he think I'm saying, "I want those handy hands on me ... now!?"  Or maybe, "I want and need your pipe!?"

If he spends a day working on his car, I might tell him that's an admirable trait.  Does he instantly think I want him to lube my engine?

What if I say, "I really enjoy our conversations, you stimulate my mind?"  Is he thinking, "She said I stimulate her.  I'm a stud.  All I have to do is talk and she's all hot and bothered."  Is he thinking sex toys while I'm thinking Obama's economic recovery plan?

What happens when words like come, head, member or "throbbing member" innocently occur in conversation?  (Oops ... maybe not throbbing member, what's wrong with me today?)  The article said men will focus on those words in particular, females may not even hear them. 

I'll be honest.  I don't want to believe the magazine.  If the article is true, I don't know how comfortable I can feel with my male friends.  I treat my male friends like I would a best girlfriend.  How do I know if the article is true though?  I only have my own very female perspective.  I think I have strong, nonsexual, male/female friendships.  Am I kidding myself?  Do men read sex and lust into every communication with females?

Comments

[alntv]

Maaaaybe it's time to put away the "Cosmo" and upgrade to something a little more adult and realistic. There MIGHT be an argument about men & women being friends (such as in "When Harry Met Sally"), because I tend to believe that if a man finds a female friend attractive, there really is possibly a 2nd motive. But the thought that women want men 24-hours a day is soemwhat ridiculous and immature. Is it true that men think about sex way too much? Yep. Even at 40 I still think about it quite a bit. However I don't put as high a priority on it as I used too. That being said, I'm married and have kids...so maybe it would be different if I were single and living the swingin' bachelor lifestyle. Either way, the article you were reading sounds silly...and completely idiotic. They obviously intervewed a high school football team for their content! LOL

[Joanne]

yep! they do, so you might as well go right ahead and in your most innocent big eyed look tell the handyman you'll call him when you need your pipes cleaned and tell the mechaninc you'l look him up when you need a lube job, walk away and let them drool! It's fun.
And to the prior comment, I would like to say this,, even my PASTOR told me (to the effect) If you dont like him, do not even try "remain friends" or to "let him down" politely or nicely , Because in EVERY SINGLE thing you say to him, he will read "yep, she wants me!" into it.
PS, He was right.

[Midlife Mama]

It seems incredibly egotistical for men to always interpret casual comments from female friends and strangers as sexual come-ons; that being said, I definitely agree that men think about sex nearly 24 hours a day.

My husband is a case in point. I can't even make a casual comment like, "I'm hungry" without him grabbing his groin and going, "I've got something for you to snack on, baby." He's 54 years old, for God's sake; I thought he'd be past all that crap! But no, apparently not. If I hug him, he can't resist turning that hug into a grope instead. He says I should be flattered that he desires me that much; I am just tired of it all. the. frickin'. time. I am so sick of every single comment being a sexual innuendo and every touch turned into a sexual grope. I'd like to relate to my husband on a nonsexual level at least some of the time, but when I try to express this to him, he thinks that what I'm saying is, "I don't want to have sex with you," and it's impossible to talk with him about it. It's a very frustrating situation. I think that it depends on the man, but I think the attitude of your first commenter is much healthier than my husband's. As much as sex is an important part of a marriage, it's not the ONLY thing. At least in my opinion.

Personally? I think men get married because they want a regular sexual partner. Women get married so they have a companion. Those goals are at odds, and no wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce. I mean think about it -- women don't want to have sex with their husbands unless their husbands spend time with them; husbands don't want to spend time with their wives unless their wives have sex with them. Not compatible goals, I'm thinking.

Great subject; btw. I'm looking forward to hearing what your other readers think. :-)

[Helena]

I had planned to reply something simple like: "Great post. Really made me laugh!" Then I read the other comments and realised that the subject is quite a touchy (and I don't mean touchy like that...) one. Anyway, I shall leave it at "Great post..." but it now also made me think how different men and women really are.

[kelly]

This made me laugh. Maybe it depends on the guy. Most guys, thinking sex all the time is my guess.

[Margaret]

I would think it would depend on how much of a sextard the guy is, how sexually fulfilled he is, and how physically attractive the girl is. I'm not saying a happily married guy doesn't think about having sex with his non-super-model female friend. I'm just saying not as much. I would think younger men and late teenage boys think about it CONSTANTLY.

I don't think you should get too self-conscious about it around your male friends. If they don't talk like constant horndogs where everything is a sexual reference, if they can keep it in their pants and not treat you like a sex object despite what they may or may not be thinking, then kudos to them for spending all day overcoming that obstacle.

[vodkamom]

When I tell my husband I'm tired, he tell me I need a little protein, and you know what he means.

ewwwww. Just what I need, a little ***hair on my teeth before I go teach kindergarten. yuck.

[maggie]

Oh YES! They are never NOT thinking about sex. Especially blow jobs!!

[christi]

hahahah that made me laugh so hard!

[The Exception]

This was great - and I would love to read that article. A guy friend once told me that men do this. I, being the wise woman in the situation, (ha) tend to doubt that they do. I mean, thinking about sex is one thing but honestly believing that everything a woman says is meant in a sexual way... I just don't buy it. Perhaps I live in a bubble where men and women can be friends and can associate freely without sex being involved... but it is my bubble and I like it!

The hard part is when you are really interested in being friends with a man and he is not getting that vibe because he thinks you "want him" all the time... and well, it would be nice but honestly, you are just interested in...him!

As in everything, it is individual in nature and about the situation itself - though generalities can be fun to contimplate.

[dadshouse]

I think that magazine was written by 13 year old boys. Men don't think like that. Sure, we flirt and can do a double entendre on occasion. But I stopped looking for sex in every remark sometime after I graduate jr. high.

We do think about sex a lot. But just because a woman says hi doesn't mean she wants to sleep with us.

[No Clocks]

wow. i thought when I was saying "how are you" to a guy friend, what i really meant was "god damn, do i want to blow you." i guess, maybe, i just really wanted to know how he was.

[michael]

That article takes it too far. Yeah, if yousay you're wet, I'm gonna pay attention. But if you ask how I am ... I assume you want to know how I am. Give us guys a little credit.

[Smart Mouth Broad]

I asked MHS if every time a woman says hello, he thinks, "She wants me!". He laughed and said, "No." So then I asked if he would have thought that 20 years ago. He smiled and said, "Probably."

[Neil]

This is my first time at this blog, but being a male, I have the feeling that you were writing about me when you wrote it, and I think you totally want to have sex with me. Am I right?

[Kimberly]

The last two comments cracked me up. This reminded me of one of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally. Billy Crystal's character said that men and women could never be friends because the sex always gets in the way. I don't think this is a black and white issue. There is a lot of grey area. I tend to give men more credit than the article does. Sure, there are some that are like that, but there are certainly women out there who are like that too.

[Erin]

Yes it's true....all guys think of only one thing all of the time and that's S - E - X. My husband and all of his friends are 40 years and older and they act like a bunch of horny teenagers! God forbid you say..."i'm coming honey". You know what i mean!

[Kristan]

Eh, my guy friends can be horn dogs sometimes, but I think we are able to joke about sex sometimes, and that relieves the tensions so that we can be serious other times too. [shrug] I have to say, I've never worried about mixed messages/signals with friends. It's guys I don't know that I would think would be more likely to misinterpret me.