I'm writing this post quickly as I wait for a man to land in my lap. So to speak, of course. If a real man landed in my lap right now, well ... now that would be interesting. What would I do with him? I mean, I can think of lots of things to do with him, but I'm married and I've managed to stick with my vows all these years. (It hasn't always been easy. Remind me to tell you about the hottie I met a few years ago. Sigh!) Anyway, I'd hate to ruin the ol' wedding vows with some guy who just fell from the sky and landed in my lap.
Right about now you're probably thinking, "What the hell?"
You're maybe even wondering if I popped one of those extra strong pain pills before sitting down to write. No, I just need a man and I need a man now. (I'm going to consider starting a career writing soft porn, what do you think?)
Remember I bought a table from my friend Nike? I mentioned I "walked out of the store" with a table? Well, I didn't literally walk out of the store with a table. I've got one working arm folks, you all know that by now.
No, I got a substantial discount on that table because it had an eensy, weensy, little scratch on it that I could barely see. A tiny scratch on an already "distressed" table. The store has someone who can repair minor stuff like that, but I needed to leave it there for a couple days. I walked out of the store owning that table, but not possessing it. Now they want me to come pick it up. Now. As in, today, right now, the store closes in less than two hours come get your table.
Briefcase is off interviewing someone today. He said something about working to pay for the table. Blah, blah, blah to him. RC is not a man, but the high school girls seem to think he's "the man." Unfortunately, he's not home yet either. Yes, I've told you I have male friends, but hellooooooo out there. Where are they? Working (or avoiding lifting tables), something like that. There are no men to be found anywhere.
There is a lawyer a few houses down who never really works. (Shocking, isn't it?) I think he has a bad back though. Or that's what he told me last time I tried to hunt him down see if he could help with something. RC has some big monster friends in the neighborhood too, but none of them are around right now either. I keep waiting, but no men are appearing out of thin air. (I used to sit around waiting for that to happen back in my single days too. No luck, even then.)
So now I've wasted all this time blogging, no men have fallen in my lap, and it's even closer to the closing time of the store. I hate to be so girly, but damn! I think I'm going to head down to the store, stand out in the parking lot and look for a couple good looking strong men to load the table into the back of my SUV. Men love that shit anyway. Bat the eyelashes a little, flatter them about how strong they are ... it probably won't be tough. As long as I don't bring them home with me, Briefcase won't mind. After all, it gets him out of having to lift the table. At least until I ask him to get it out of my car later this evening.
As an add-on to this post: 1) Two very hot strong men did indeed load that table for me and it now sits in my house. Yay for me! On an unrelated note, and speaking of soft porn, several of you asked me for the name of some good, smutty, romance novels. I inquired with my friend, Sue from PT (remember the invisible lady?) because she reads romance novels constantly. She recommended Prince of Ice by Emma Holly. I have not (yet) read it myself, but I imagine she knows steamy smut when she reads it. Enjoy, and plan on having a man (or toy) nearby if you read it!
My writing is copyright protected and I will kick your ass if you steal content. I try to protect the identities of those I mention here by changing whatever identifying details I feel I need to change. If that makes this a fictional blog then so be it. Disclaimer: I'm in no way responsible for what I write because I'm in no way responsible.
You are so funny. The bat-your-eyes strategy works pretty well. I've used it myself on several occasions. Sometimes I'm just thinking... "My kingdom for a truck," ...like the time I was walking home a Victorian chest of drawers on wheels that was a roadside freebie not far from my house. A knight in a white pick up swooped me/the chest from the pavement and delivered us home.
And yes, writing porn has its allure.
Posted by: sometimessophia | September 30, 2008 at 04:56 AM
LOL this was funny. Its amazing how quickly big strong men disappear when there are heavy things to be moved. It's all like this:
"Hey Bruno, what're you doing this weekend?"
"Nothin', Hut Stuff, what're YOU doing this weekend," he would say with a leer as he adjusts his "junk".
"I'm moving and I wondered if you'd come over and help me."
Bruno looks panicked. "Uh, um, oh yeah, I remember, I have an appointment this weekend. Yeah. I, um, am having, um, my colors done. Yeah! Oh! And then? After that? I'm, I, uh, have to go somewhere. Yeah. That's it. Sorry." The last being said with an fake apologetic look, as he turns and runs as fast as he can.
And you see him pull out his cell phone as he runs away, and you know he is telling all the other hunky big strong men you know and giving them the heads-up. Sure enough, when you try and call every able-bodied man you know, suddenly they're all "busy."
But give them the chance to load one table or couch or something and prove how manly they are in five minutes or less? They are so there. Then they can wipe their brows and look all noble and fall into a chair, and in an exhausted voice, ask for a beer . . . .
LOL Gee, I'm not cynical, am I?!? hee hee!!!
Posted by: Midlife Mama | September 30, 2008 at 06:39 AM
oh, you know a good 'sex read'?? "Dark Lover" from the Black Dagger Brotherhood Series. i have not personally read these- and to warn people, it IS about vampires, after all, but my girlfriend who is the type of person who doesn't really read TOO often... when she got ahold of these shiny babies??? girl could not PUT THEM DOWN to save herself from a burning building. drove us all insane bc she was reading everywhere she went. i take her advice to read them for the sex scenes bc according to her? she wanted to jump her husband every time she read the damn books.
hey. if that ain't smut i don't know what is.
Posted by: Lo | September 30, 2008 at 07:18 AM
Sigh. Batting your eyes demurely is *also* how you get us to pop out of thin air. I'm not supposed to tell you this (violation of the sacred Guy Code), but try it: sit alone and just bat your eyes. POP! There's a guy. It might not work right away, but just keep trying...
Posted by: goodfather | September 30, 2008 at 07:32 AM
from furniture moving to porn reviews...you gotta love blogging.
And my favourite part, no one's actually read any...they're just passing on their 'friend's' recommendations...LOL...
i'll be checking back on this thread to see what everyone else's 'friends' have read...heeheehee
Posted by: thistles | September 30, 2008 at 07:33 AM
The man who wrote "JUST DO IT" (the book about the couple that has sex for 101 days straight) says that his wife highly recommends men read at least one really trashy, smutty romance novel a year...I wonder if my DH will read this one...
Glad you got the table into place :) I can't wait to see pictures of your steal!
Posted by: EricaB | September 30, 2008 at 07:37 AM
No Thistle, I really have not read this book yet. I have never been a romance novel reader, although I'm thinking I should start throwing a few into the mix. You know, seeing how Briefcase travels all the time. A girl's got to get her thrills where she can. I do have a stack of other books I'm working my way through right now. If any of them are exceptional, I'd be happy to share titles with my readers.
Posted by: Twenty Four At Heart | September 30, 2008 at 07:46 AM
Batting the ol' eyelashes? Sounds like how my friends and I used to get guys to buy us beer back in the 70's.
Goodfather - I'm trying it right now bu tmy husband is still sound asleep upstairs...
Posted by: phhhst | September 30, 2008 at 07:55 AM
You crack me up. You're really funny. Now I'm going to have to go buy me some smut!
Posted by: Heather | September 30, 2008 at 08:25 AM
i look forward to your reviews LOL
isn't there a couple of series available in book stores that are are a little more erotic fiction than the the soft porn known as Harlequin Romance...i seem to remember that from my brief term of employment in a bookstore...just can't remember the publisher...
Posted by: thistle | September 30, 2008 at 08:30 AM
WOW haha I so would not have had the guts to just go and look for guys to do it. I'd probably have called a girlfriend instead, and had them yell at me, but still (hopefully) gotten the table.
OR maybe begged the store people to help me?
Glad your way worked, though!
Posted by: Kristan Hoffman | September 30, 2008 at 08:51 AM
Do those books come on audio CD's?
Posted by: Linda | September 30, 2008 at 11:03 AM
@ Linda
Hah!..i think you just made me pass some tea thru my nose...LOL
Posted by: thistle | September 30, 2008 at 11:23 AM
You know it's a good post when soft-core porn gets mentioned not once but twice. I'm going to see how many times I can work that in today...
"Well, I just picked up my graduation packet and speaking of soft-core porn..."
(Whatever, it doesn't matter, people think I'm weird enough anyway...)
Posted by: emmysuh | September 30, 2008 at 12:52 PM
This is what people are referring to when they talk about an empowered and liberated woman. You don't simply wait for a man to fall into your lap, you go and find one.
Posted by: Tricia | September 30, 2008 at 08:08 PM