A Tisket A Tasket, A Multi-Colored Sex Basket

Tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap ... helloooooo?  Is this thing working?  Is anyone out there? Where did everyone go?  Oh, I know - you're grocery shopping, and cleaning, and cooking, and traveling, and visiting with family.  Well, when you get around to it, I'll be right here. I'm doing all those things too. Well, I'm going to soon.  It's Tuesday and I'm a music addict. That means before I do anything else, I have to read the new iTunes music recap from my friend Alan at A Round World Through Square Glasses. It's part of my Tuesday morning routine. After I read his review, I start perusing all the new music releases on iTunes. I try to have some self-control on my music purchases, but ....

Speaking of music ..... 

Oh wait - family members?  See ya later!  This is another post for you NOT to read. Because, really?  You might be scarred for life if you do. I might be scarred for life just by writing it. In fact, I may have downed pain pills before I wrote this post just so I can be assured I'll never remember being the author.  (By the way, I do not recommend the misuse of prescribed medications unless you're about to show the entire world your sex toys!) 

If you know me in real life, you should stop reading right now and come back tomorrow, okay? Otherwise I'll just be embarrassed for life. Strangers? Please never stop me on the street to discuss this post. I can't even imagine the Google searches I'm going to get from this point forward. 

I can't believe I'm actually writing this.

OK, back to music.  As most of you know, I wrote a post not long ago about being a Corporate Widow. One of my readers out there in the Blogosphere sent me an email.  He owns a sex toy business and offered to send me a "Sex Basket."  Well, who can turn something like that down?  

I mean, strictly from a writing perspective, of course.  

My box arrived this weekend and the very first thing I found when I opened it was a "Sex Mix" CD. Oh yes, music for screwing.  Notice I did not say music for romance. No, this is all strictly sex music not romantic music.

What does it say about me if I already owned a lot of the songs?  I won't list them all here (19 songs) but here are a few:

Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon

Animals by Nickelback

Sex, Lies and Money by Will Hoge (I love Will Hoge!)

Wild Sex by Oingo Boingo

So Hott by Kid Rock

Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

Pussy Control by Prince

Yeah ... Pussy Control.  I'm not joking and I DID laugh out loud at that one. To be honest, it's an awesome CD.  The only song I didn't like was Pussy Control.  I'm sure MEN would like it, but it didn't do a whole lot for me.  The other 18 songs are awesome.

Next, I found all sorts of bottles and pretty jars of stuff.  What kind of stuff?  Well, there was a body splash that has pheromones in it.  It's supposed to drive men crazy-wild. Then I found creamy massage oil. In case that doesn't work well enough there is also a jar of EDIBLE massage cream.  I sure won't find that at physical therapy now will I? The last bottle was filled with flavored "personal heightener."  Because we all want our personals heightened, right?  

The next thing I found in the box was this:

 

I admit, when I pulled this out of the box, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it. I think it's called a "Flipper."  Batteries are in the little rectangle part and then there's that other Flipper part of it.  It vibrates; it hums. Hummmmm.  I snapped a photo.  Later?  I tried to figure out how to use this device.  I discovered this little gadget is ... small but very effective. Very. I think I've fallen in love with Flipper.

Didn't your mother always tell you that size doesn't matter?!

OK, now don't laugh.  The next thing I pulled out of my gift basket box was this:

Are you laughing?  It's a neon green, glowing, pre-lubricated, vibrator.  Green, just in case you have fantasies of hot sex with Shrek.  I admit, I haven't played with this toy yet. Why?  Because I have become permanently attached to Flipper.  Don't anyone ever try to take my Flipper away from me. If I tire of Flipper (no!) I might give Shrek a try, what do you think?

I will never tire of Flipper.

The last thing in my basket was a Rabbit.  Yes, a Rabbit. I've heard about Rabbits but I've never owned one.  Here's a picture:

I haven't played with Rabbit yet either.  Why?  Because Flipper is my best friend, okay? But Rabbit is a very interesting toy.  This particular Rabbit has all sorts of tricks it can do. The main shaft vibrates, and the rabbit ears (?) vibrate for clitoral stimulation. Or you can make them both vibrate at the same time.  (Lots of buttons!)  The Rabbit has one other special trick too.  The head on this toy can swirl around in full circles and sort of wave at you as it does so.  Oh, yes it can! 

I like to "turn it on" when I'm on pain meds and giggle and giggle at the rotating dickhead.  

So there you have it.  Flipper, Shrek, and Rabbit.  Also, a whole lot of creams and lotions and some awesome music.  A huge thank you to my sex basket donor!  Even though I haven't played with everything yet, the CD alone made my day.  It may be a long time before I get around to trying Shrek or Rabbit.  Flipper is a lot more intense stimulating amazing interesting than [he] looks. 

Wow, the perks of blogging!  Who knew?!

Comments

[goodfather]

FIRST!!!!! And... O.M.G....

[goodfather]

OK, I'm back. It's worth noting that part of my verification 'word' contained the number '69' for my first comment. Coincidence? Hmm.

Two things: I admit I like Nickelback. I've got 'Animals' on my iPod. There. I said it.

And: Flipper?! I hardly KNEW her!

SECOND!!

[alntv]

I remember seeing Shrek in the movie theatre...WAIT A MINUTE!!! This isn't a Disney site??? WTF???

Hey! Thanks for the blog love! Appreciate that. And it looks like you have some...uh...interesting Thanksgiving fun lined up. Somebody must really like you! Hopefully nothing there is a "Plug N Play"!!! LOL

The "Flipper" huh? Interesting...must be a woman thing. You sure that "Pussy Control" wouldn't work with your new "best friend"?

(Did I just write that out loud?)

[SSG]

I cant look at this at work, so straight to the comments. Must remember to read properly later. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

[vodkamom]

now THAT made me laugh out LOUD!! There you are over there, all happy and jolly with your new toys! (I'll be right over)

[amyz5]

first, how can you have a sex tape without barry white.

and second...
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there-under, under the sea!
Everyone loves the king of the sea,
Ever so kind and gentle is he,
Tricks he will do when children appear,
And how they laugh when he's near!
They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No-one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there-under, under the sea!

[Jan]

Good gawd, woman - you know how to wake a girl up. I know I asked for pictures, but damn, coffee would have been nice first. At least The Young One was already off to school (he has a tendency to hang over my shoulder while I'm reading blogs, no matter how many times I've threatened to rip his head right off of his shoulders).

As for the CD, I am SUPREMELY disappointed it's not the soundtrack to some cheesey 70s porn film. You know - "The Devil in 24@Heart" or "24@Heart Does Money Town". Classics, babe.

[Casey]

How awesome of a reader to send you those products for "review". Heheh. I'm trying to figure out how Flipper works but it's escaping me. Maybe I'll have to "review" him myself...

[dragonfly]

Dang girl you hit the jackpot!! Am extremely jealous of the rabbit, have always wanted one, but they are so dang expensive!!! Please give him a try for me and let me know if it will be worth the money....he he he In the meantime, thanks for your blogs they make my day!!!! :)

[Nothing Fancy]

I'm blushing...

[Gina]

hehe you are too funny!! i went to a sex toy party about two years ago and purchased my first "sex toy" when i finally decided to give it a try, to my dissapointment i found that it did not work!! yup i had purchased a dud!! i even tryed switching the batteries but no luck :(. To top it all off i couldn't even return it ( i know returning a sex toy sounds pretty gross) bc the sex toy party lady i bought it from lives a few states away. it now hides in the back of my closet....

[Kristan Hoffman]

Oh dearie... I think I'm too young for this, lol. Not literally, but mentally!

[Midlife Mama]

::Jumping up and down with my hand clapped over my mouth::

You said "clitoris" on your blog!!! YOU DID!! OMG you did!! Oh yes you did. *giggle*

Okay I don't feel so bad talking about men wanting to watch a little girl-on-girl action. Whew. Thanks for taking the pressure off, 24!!! LOL

LOVE the post. And I'm with you on the flipper thing. I gotta get me one. And I have a toy that looks like the green thing only mine is flesh toned but it has a little extension thing for clitoral *giggle* stimulation like the rabbit and it vibrates.... OH YES (bomp-chica pow wow)

LOL

[Di]

Shrek.... now I like that name... he's such a romantic. *sigh... haha

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

[Mama Dawg]

Oh, my. What a beautiful, beautiful basket you received.

I sooooo need a basket like that. My rabbit is a baby rabbit and just doesn't know how to perform all the tricks yours does.

I'm single and loving it and need some new Battery Operated Boyfriends (BOB's for short). I may have to visit Adam & Eve soon.

[Lo]

good lord. it takes A LOT to make me blush but you succeeded!! and yet i couldn't stop reading. dude. this is a whole other world i never KNEW EXISTED.

you are awesome for posting this!!!!!!!!!!!

[phhhst]

Dude, seriously, you might be loving flipper, but from a reader's perspective you got some big balls of courage. I couldn't be prouder for you.

[Kelly]

LMAO!! Oh there were some funny lines in this post. SHREK?? ha ha! "I will never tire of Flipper" Ha ha ha ha! Tears running down my face! This was fun!

[Mike]

You're right. I like to get my personals heightened. LOL

[Heather]

I like to turn it on and giggle at the rotating dickhead?? OMG! ROFLMAO! Hilarious. And I want a Flipper.

[Katie]

OHMYGOD. I want a sex basket!! so, which toy do you prefer?? haha!

[jo]

Holy crying out loud. Wow...don't you run into people who "mention" your blog?
Wow!
Where's Marvin Gaye with "Sexual Healing"? How could they leave that song out???

[Jason]

You have gone and surpassed all of my expectations. This post was beyond incredible.

And so funny. I guffawed several times here, all by myself. There are just way too many one-liners here to choose from for my Single Sentence Soup....

I JUST LOVE YOU!

[Linda]

O.M.G. and THANK YOU!!!!!!
slips off to find flipper & rabbit source

[emmysuh]

OK, this just tells you what kind of person I am that I am SO jealous of your basket! First of all, pretty sweet CD - love Sex on Fire! You can send me a copy if you want!

And I know your flipper is great but seriously try out that Rabbit. I want one...I just don't want to shell out $60 for one right now.

Lol - do I sound pathetic?

[mama llama]

Oh goodness, you've left me gasping for breath...

...laughter, unfortunately not orgasmic gasping.

What fun. Flipper might be worth a look. I have a rabbit. Currently functioning well as a dead battery storage case--but not for lack of effectivity, just not doing it for me.

But that was pretty much my initial reaction...watching those cool little beads moving around! I'd take it to my friends' houses, we'd open a bottle of wine and look at my Peter Rabbit...

Be well, 24.

[ash]

Ahh flashbacks of the sex toy party are haunting me right NOW. actually those are pretty fun..
i don't think i've heard of the flipper but yeah, there's this thing called the double headed rabbit and I was all "Double headed..for what?" but the lady insisted it was AWESOME for me and my "partner" and only later did i figure out (after buying it) that she thought my girlfriend who was in the room with me was my actual GIRLFRIEND and my fiance had to explain everything to me..so that double headed rabbit is still in its package somewhere in the bathroom. here's to hoping my MIL finds it, HA!

[ash]

oh and sex is on fire? FAVORITE SONG EVER.

[sometimessophia]

Awesome post. The rotating dickhead comment cracked me up. THANK YOU SO MUCH... YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

[Sandra]

I have the rabbit and I prefer to use that with my husband. Or I should say he prefers to use it on me. I'm sure I'd love the flipper. It all looks very exciting!!!

[knappmom]

Hilarious! You're a corporate widow while I'm a road widow. LOL. Great post. Very informative. :-)

[churchpunkmom]

omigosh.. i am SO going to whine about all J's hours at the office in my next post!!!!

[Cath]

OMIGOD! hee hee hee! Bestest post EVAH! Thank YOU for writing this. I'm going to go Google Flipper right now. You won't get jealous if I get some flipper action will you? ;)

[Stepping Thru]

I am speechless! Very interested but speechless!

[mariah]

Ummm, I'm BEST FRIENDS WITH THE BUNNY! I have the flipper too, except I think i killed it. Please take my advice and turn it off when it starts to smoke...

[steenky bee]

The bunny! The bunny! Also, I tell my girls at work that there sex is on fire. Only one of them wasn't confused. This made my night!!!

[TheQueen]

Oh SO not fair! Why don't my readers send me vibrators, damn them?

At my house, the Rabbit has been usurped by the silver bullet, and I just discovered I've been using the silver bullet wrong, I think. It's been external (that's where all the fun is) but it seems it can go inside as well and turn sideways.

I feel like we need to get all out sex toys in a line in the backyard and have them fight each other.

[Lori]

A most fabulous post! I love it! You are one very lucky woman to get to try out all these new toys. I have truly enjoyed this post and the comments of course. Thank you for making me laugh...I really needed this!

[thistle]

now wasn't the rabbit the one they had to take away from Charlotte in SATC cos she wouldn't leave the house...sounds like Santa came early to your house :)

[PAPA]

tortuous! tortuous! i had to wait all day to get home to open this because our browser at work kept shutting me out.

and now all i can say is wow....

you are a lucky ducky.

[ballerinatoes]

holy hell.

[Captain Dumbass]

Mama Dawg tweeted something about a flipper today and I had to ask what she was talking about. I had to ask...

[Anali]

I can only read this blog at home, because at work it's blocked by the filter for sexual content. I think I know why now!!! : )

It's funny how the flipper looks like it would be the least effective of all. Who knew?

[Biddy]

aaahahaha i love it! dude...why don't I ever get packages like this in the mail!?

and if you're not gonna use the rabbit, i know someone in texas that has always wanted one. i'm just sayin...