This Post is Rated X

Good-bye family members!  Do you know me in real life?  Well then, good-bye to you too. This post is rated X.  It's not intended for the faint of heart.

Okay, now that no one is left reading, I'll commence with my writing.

The Internet world is a strange one.  We make friends with people we never meet.  One of my Internet friends is Alan.   He loves to write primarily about his family, movies and music.  Alan and I "met" shortly after I began blogging when someone (I forget who) made a list of a zillion new Internet writers.  We were both on the list.  Somehow we connected, discovered we share an extreme love for music and have stayed in touch ever since.

Alan doesn't usually blog about sex.  However, he recently wrote about an item he found while perusing ... sites ... on the Internet.  His post made me laugh out loud and he gave me his permission to also write about it.  Alan made me "promise" I'd tell you he doesn't own this little gadget himself.  (Sure, I believe you Alan.  Really, I do!)

Today I'm going to show you Alan's the Sex Counter Cock Ring.

The product description states:

"A stretchy, orgasm-enhancing cock ring that actually counts your BPM - otherwise known as Bonks Per Minute!  Slide the cock ring over your penis and enjoy a longer, harder erection as well as the fun of knowing how many times you've thrust per session!"

Bonks Per Minute?  

Bonks?

Does it come with an alarm system?  If you're wearing your partner out with too many "bonks" does it tell you to hurry up and finish?  Or ask you if you had a bit too much alcohol and are now suffering from whiskey dick?  

Does it talk to you like a car's GPS system?  Does it insult you as "Limp Larry" when you're not quite up to (** ahem **) performing?

What if you're a "one thruster"?  Does it give you an error message and say, "Act Incomplete"??

Maybe it even provides your ... equipment with a nickname?

It seems to me like this would be anxiety inducing for a man.  (Not being male, I can't say for sure.)  I picture a little old lady standing in the corner of a room counting off sexual thrusts in her notebook and "grading" the man on whatever she feels is just the right amount.

This is kind of the same concept, but the little gadget is actually strangling his dick at the same time it's counting.  (Can a dick be strangled?  I'll be honest, I know nothing about cock rings.  And now I'm embarrassed I just admitted that.  Do most women know about cock rings?  Am I a disgrace to the female gender because I don't know anything about them?  Do some cocks wear lots of rings?  Do dicks ever get strangled by cock rings?)

Also, how does it count a thrust if, instead of a straight in and out thrust, it's more of a ... oh, never mind.  I'm blushing just thinking about it.

Also, is it getting warm in here?

I think I'm getting side tracked.

In any case, what do you think?  If you're female, would you want your man wearing this? And if you're male, would you want a thrust bonk counter?  

Comments

[Alan]

There is no way I would EVER own one of these things! EVER! And I wasn't perusing sites!!! Someone I was working with pointed it out to me and gave me the link to the picture. I SWEAR!

Oh sure...I know you don't believe me (blushing)...

Hey...ahem...how 'bout that new Bruce Springsteen album?

[sometimessophia]

This was a real eye openener. Not quite what one expects to read at 7:00 AM... It's nothing but a pedometer on a teething ring, anyway. It probably came from the episode of American Inventor that I missed last year. I'm surprised it doesn't have rabbit ears or a trunk or something. Good luck, 24. This will make for some great comments. BTW, while I'm sure my husband wouldn't wear one, they might make great napkin rings. Then you could measure FPM ... (forkfuls per minute)...

[Jan]

Do I know anything about cock rings?

Hmmmm. Well. Let's just say I refuse to answer that question on the grounds it may incriminate me.

As for THAT thing? Uh, no. I don't care how freaky of a mood I might be in. I can only think of two outcomes after the use of such a contraption:

1. The complete demoralization of my sex partner, and I really like Beloved moralized

or

2. I'm going to be really, REALLY tired when it's all over with.

[mama llama]

um....
no.

If it's that good, I really don't care how many BPM are hit.

Wow. What a way to wake up this Friday, 24. You never cease to surprise!

Be well, 24.

[Casey]

That is the strangest thing I've ever seen. Cock ring, sure, but to put an odometer on it is just weird.

[Lori]

I am still brain dead this morning and here you are amuzing me with things like cock rings. Now you have given me something to think and smile about today thank you very much!

[Hallie]

If I won a prize when the counter got to say 1000, then sure I'd embrace it! As long as that prize is the $1600.00 PRADA bag I NEED!!!

Hallie

[Nut Nut]

Maybe if it wasn't purple. Okay, maybe not at all.

[Jen]

K could absolutely NOT wear this. I would never be able to stop laughing long enough for there to be any "bonks".

[Irish Gumbo]

"It seems to me like this would be anxiety inducing for a man."

.....YA THINK?!

(laugh) Hells to the NO would I want something counting that!

Even as big a info geek as I am, I don't need to know that. (sigh) Once it becomes a numbers game, hon, it's over. (laugh) It's like making money for the sake of making money: too little joy, not enough livin' ;)

And what if the...thrust...isn't straight? What if its all swirly or something? What if (heehee) one is going. really. slooowwww ;)?

Boggles the mind, and a few other things besides...

[Donna in VA]

Wow! I really AM out of touch! I only recently even HEARD of a cock ring (on another blog - The Attack of the Redneck Momma) and now I see THIS one with a pedometer. That's just funny to me. It gives sex more of a sport feel than well. . . a romantic feel. Maybe some sports enthusiast would love it. Who knows?

[Linda]

Bwahahahaha! LOL! snortsnifsigh OMG, I'll have to come back to comment.

[Kelly]

"Can a dick be strangled?"
LMFAO!
Tears running down my face. OMG 24 you kill me!
Thanks for the smile, laugh, tears of hysteria!

[Midlife Mama]

Ummmm...I've heard of cock rings but I have no idea what they do. I think I will now have to look that up. I think it's supposed to keep more blood inside the ... uh... where its supposed to be which makes the man harder. Know what I mean?? LOL

Wow the things that can be found on the internet. There are a lot of things in life that we are held accountable for, but number of thrusts per ... session... is not one I'd like to have my husband graded on. Sheesh!

[Sarah]

That is hilarious! I think I found my boyfriends Valentine Day present hehe

[ChurchPunkMom]

I should really come comment on more of your 'non-sex-toy' posts..

Yes, a dick can be strangled by a cock-ring.. but you know.. that would imply that the ring is too small for the dick.

I know a little about cock rings.. but.. um.. never heard of a 'bonk counting' cock ring.. that's just.. weird.

That takes 'step counter' to a place it just doesn't belong.

[Mama Dawg]

Oh, lordy. I'm laughing too hard picturing some guy wearing this while taking care of me. I would constantly want to stop and read it.

Of course, after you do it once, you're obligated to try to beat your previous record. That might start to hurt after a while....for me, I mean! LOL!

That's hilarious!

[Mama Dawg]

Oh and I've heard of cock rings, but never had a guy willing to buy one to try it.

[Neil]

I would never use a cock ring with a counter. Call me old fashioned, but not everything has to be so "high tech." I usually go with the traditional cock ring, and then hire a personal sex trainer, usually a former Marine, to stand over me as I have sex, shouting the count out manually, pushing me to perform better, and if I come before I have satisfied the woman completely, he makes me run 25 laps around the living room as punishment. Some things are BETTER the old way!

[Heather]

And good morning to you too! :)
This was hilarious! GREAT POST!
You make me laugh -- and what a great way to start my Friday! ha!

[Liz C]

@sometimessophia: 'a pedometer on a teething ring' HAHahaha!

In my experience, there's a wide range in the girth of, um, members. I wonder if it's adjustable?

I 'dated' a guy once whose member, standing at full attention, was no bigger than my thumb. And that might be generous. I am not even kidding.

[Pseudo]

Well, it is definately time to get ready for work. No one can beat you this morning in making me laugh ms 24.

Purple? A numbers game? Oh my...

[Kristan]

As a female, I'm not sure I'd appreciate the interference/distraction. But I have heard that sort of "strangling" (but not too hard) a penis adds to its pleasure?

I totally can't believe I just wrote that... At work, no less!

(PS: Why is it PINK?)

[amyz5]

OMG you are the funniest person ever.

the whole counter thing is not appealing to me. honestly, my penis envy is crushed by the thought of this item?

[Lump]

OHMYGOD. haha! I mean, sex is great exercise.

[emmysuh]

Who the hell cares about the NUMBER of boinks per session so long as you get the job done?

[Mike]

Ha! Great morning laugh. And hell no, you won't catch me wearing that thing.

[KJ]

Of course, this could be used as a sort of mileage counter for the life of your relationship. I can see it now: your husband/partner under the FOR SALE sign: "I took her across country and back a few times, cruisin' all the back roads. But she's in perfect condition if you want to take her for a spin. Warranty? Nope. Take her as-is."

No?

[Alan]

When I wrote about this thing I got maybe 5 comments. I gotta get more friends...

[Jason]

I love me a good cock ring.

But not this one.

[Stepping Thru]

HILARIOUS! And as for the question about chocking a cock....yes, they can be strangled.....right before they puke. (I know that was bad)

[EricaB]

Nope, no cock rings here. Although, I WAS aware what they are. ONLY after perusing a toy site...had no idea before and DH has NO interest in trying it out.

As far as the BPM...well, who the hell cares as long as he gets the job done? Am I right?!

[simply anonymom]

I am blushing just THINKING about that. hehehe. Do not own one and would not like hubby owning one.

This post totally made me smile/laugh.

[sherendipity]

If he pulls out, does the count go back to zero?
Thank God it's not electric. Could you imagine if that thing shorted out?
Also, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want a plastic rectangular box slapping my body parts with each thrust. Call me crazy.

[Helena]

OMG! Who invents these things? I mean is it necessary to count bonks? I'm all for quality not quantity. Man... if I was with someone who wore a bonk ring I'm not sure if I'd die of laughter or of fright. LOL!!!

[Zed]

I can't stop laughing - really. I was going to leave a comment too....

[Buddha]

I'm wearing a cock ring right now! I wear it to work. I wear it when I'm out at the movies. I wear it when I shop for groceries. I, uh... what? I don't? Oh. In that case, WTF is a "BONK" and why the hell would anyone want to count it??? Too funny. Nice post.