With A Side Order of Fried Ass

I always write my posts from the same worn chair.  It has an armrest that supports my bum arm just perfectly.  While I write I have a pretty view of the mountains behind my house.  I even get frequent glimpses of a beautiful red tail hawk who likes to perch in one of our trees.  Can I call a hawk a who?  Probably not.  I think of him as a who.  

Grammar police, can you help me out?

Right now, I'm typing standing up naked.  It's quite a feat and I really think I should be admired for the talent I'm showing.  (For typing while standing up, the naked part doesn't really affect my typing.)  My ass is so sunburnt, sitting down seems like an impossibility. Yes, I said my ass is sunburnt.  And not just a little sunburnt.  Hell, no!  

My ass is fried a bright cherry red.

Go ahead and laugh.  I don't mind.  I just want you to know I will laugh right back atcha when you fry your ass bright red.  And don't think you won't someday ...

My ass is smarting so much, it doesn't even faze me to walk around naked for hours on end.  

Clothes hurt.

I don't seem to have much luck with fake tanning adventures.  Last June I tried a spray-on tan.  I did this, which resulted in this.  I know what you're thinking.  I live in California, why in the world would I consider a spray-on tan?  Well, I'm also someone who has been treated for skin cancer.  I enjoy the beach frequently, but I do so in a manner which protects my skin.  

I'm very, very fair.  I've got blonde hair, blonde eyelashes, and milky white breasts and an ass to match. (Well, my ass did match a day ago.)  I can tan a little bit, but it takes forever.  Once in a great while, if I need a little color for a big event, I'll use spray-on tanning.  It doesn't damage my skin in the least and it's a quick fix even if it doesn't last long.  A spray-on tan basically just paints your skin.  It doesn't actually tan your skin and if you go out in the sun you'll burn just as badly as if you were casper white all over.

Do you see where this is going?  I'm going to be down by the equator living in my bathing suit in the not to distant future.  I need a base tan.  If I don't have one, I'll burn to a crisp on my first day there.  I'm a slow tanner.  I don't have the time to lay out in a bathing suit by our pool every day right now. 

I decided to visit a tanning booth.  I don't believe in them, but I decided to compromise my principles.  I thought it would be safer for my skin to slowly get a base tan before I depart for St. Lucia than to go there and get fried.

Things didn't quite work out the way I planned.

Tan Barbie greeted me and eagerly sold me a package of 14 tanning sessions.  Fourteen because I'm a sucker idiot slow tanner.  She also gave me a bottle of "deep tanning lotion" to apply before using the tanning bed.  Tan Barbie showed me how the tanning bed works, how to turn on the music to my liking, and most importantly how not to die in the coffin like structure.  (It has fans inside - how cool is that?!) 

Tan Barbie explained to me a normal session is 15 minutes long, but she programmed the tanning bed for 10.  I protested.  I wanted my full 15 minutes if I was spending the money.  Tan Barbie informed me 10 minutes would be "plenty" for my first visit and that I might want to even consider 10 minutes for my second visit too.

I was pissed at Tan Barbie.

Who knew?

I stripped off my clothes, applied some of the lotion she gave me (to the places I could reach) and hopped in the coffin tanning bed.  I forgot about my ass.  Not that I think it would have made any difference anyway.

I figure my ass probably was sunburnt after only 30 seconds in the tanning bed.  I won't even tell you about my hoo haa.  (Your welcome!)

I stayed in for my full 10 minutes.  I enjoyed the rockin' tunes and the warmth on my body.  I'm easy that way.  At the end of my ten minutes, I jumped up, toweled off and looked at my naked body in the mirror.

No tan.

Zippo.

I silently cussed out Tan Barbie and vowed to come back in a day or two for my second session.  I had every intention of using my full 15 minutes next time.

I'm writing this a few hours lately.  I'm lobster red.  My belly, my breasts, my nether parts, and my glowing red ass all hurt like hell.  My ass is the worst of all.  I've been searching the cupbards for solarcaine, aloe vera lotion ... anything at all.  Of course I have none of those items because I don't normally expose my ass to the sun. 

Most of all, I'm wondering how many days will I have to spend standing and naked?

©  Twenty Four At Heart

Comments

[Mad Woman]

Oohhhh hahahaha!! I have quite the picture in my head right now. I'm not sure if it's a good thing for me to be picturing it but if it's not, I blame you for the incredibly descriptive..um...description.

That is exactly the result I would get if I was to lay in the coffin of tanning. I sympathize, and yet I'm giggling like crazy.

Good luck..that ass is gonna hurt for awhile.

[Alan]

Hmmmm...the only smartass response I can come up with is this...

Hang on! I'll be right over with the alou!

LOL

Guess you shouldn't invite anyone over to work on your house for a few days! Good luck with that fried ass of yours. But you are going to St. Lucia...so you have THAT to look forward to!

[Hallie]

Huh...I'm fake tanning and my butt is just fine!!

Hallie :)

[Yvette (Lo's Mom)]

I have done this....so sorry, it is one of the most uncomfortable feelings there is.

Calamine lotion has helped me before. Think of it as more of a rash than a burn, I hope you don't start to itch or PT will get REALLY interesting.

Good Luck.

[Lynn K.]

I am fair too, and take all summer to get a light tan. Thanks for the heads up the tanning beds. After your experience, I won't be trying those anytime soon : )

[di]

And think what your ass is going to look like when it starts to peel... then it will be flaky ass or snake skin ass or elephant skin ass. NOT a pretty picture!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

[Deidre]

Ouch...although Lo's Mom could be right - the itch and peel could be in fact worst! Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

I've been in the sun all summer (I live in Australia), and I think i got burnt on my face being outside for like 20 minutes today. grr

[Lori]

I am fair skinned also and I imagine that if I ever tried one of these tanning beds, this is exactly what would happen to me. I have been sun burned(the old fashioned way) before and it is not fun or pretty. Have you tried soaking in a cool bath? Or putting on cold packs? Take something to take the edge off the pain. I put cold alo gel on and that ususally feels pretty good and helps. Good luck!

[Missy]

I think Tan Barbie needs to go back to the basics of indoor tanning school. Holy hell, you should only go for 5 mintues the first three times and then maybe 8 minutes the next three times and so on and so forth. She should have known you would get burnt.

[Donna in VA]

I, too, am blonde and milky white and I have been sunburned so many times in the past that I feel your pain. I know how it feels when even the sheets hurt. And after all those sunburns, I've never found a magic cure. Some of the things they talk about help a little, but nothing takes that pain away.
I'm really sorry about your ass though. Personally, mine has never seen the light of day and could be used as a solar reflector panel. I think I'll keep it that way.

[ballerinatoes]

Oh honey...I'm so sorry! I should have warned you to put the towel under your butt for half the time and over your boobs the other half. I've been there and found the towel trick works for keeping those whitey white place from burning. It will take about 3-4 sessions before you can tell that you are tanning. Also, there is some blue stuff that they usually sell at tanning salon that is the shiz for soothing and healing the burn. Post a pic of your fried butt? ;)

[sometimessophia]

Ouch. How could you do that to yourself? The thought of tanning beds makes me shiver. Claustrophobia and all that. No tan is worth it. Hope you feel better soon.

[Kristan]

LOL oh 24... I don't even know what else to say.

[Linda]

Oh my. snicker. Sorry! Um yea, I burn through SPF30 in like ten minutes. I'm w/Missy here; Tan Barbie needs to go back to tanning school. Last time (10 years ago) I went to a tanning booth they wouln't allow me to stay in more that THREE minutes my first 2 visits!

[Kelly]

Ha ha! Oh my how funny! You created quite a picture for us! I'm so sorry though it must really hurt. Ha ha ha ha! (don't mean to laugh but .. ha ha!)

[Jan]

Uh-huh - we get pics of the funky feet but not of the burnt ass.

I protest. Strenuously.

Dear, as another person who is absolutely fish-belly white, never tan for more than 5 minutes the first two or three sessions. You have to increment up to the full 15 or you'll become a crispy critter.

Don't you wish you'd asked first?

And I'm not laughing at you. Honest. *snicker*

[Margie]

Oh, my. I shore hope you don't start peeling cause you shore are gonna look funny scratching yore butt in public. On a more serious note, do you have an aloe vera plant? You can take some of the leaves and split them and apply them, gooey side down, to your skin. It really will help, especially if you can leave them on there for a while.

[Lo]

okay. can you promise me something? please EMAIL ME before you tan again!!! good god girl, you could've gotten REALLY hurt doing that!!! 10 minutes??? and you've never used a tanning bed before??? i would've insisted on only 5 minutes were it me, 8 pushing it. i'm certified as a tanning consultant (yeah, i know, they actually have classes for that. yeah. stop laughing. bitch.) and i went thru all sorts of classes to know the stupid shit i know about tanning. it's difficult. you need to be serious about it. indoor tanning is a freakin sport, girl. you need to learn yo shit. also? use a tanner with a bronzer in it, they make ah-mayzing ones that also have coq10, elasticin, etc.... in them. also use a separate lotion on the face. trust me. and they have towels, too... to use for the parts of the body (ahem, hoo haa and ass region) that don't see sun normally. lay a towel down underneath your ass after two minutes or so, or when you feel ti start to 'tingle' or burn. same with the hoo ha- just lay a towel across. trust me, if you're tanning in small segmants you won't end up all blotchy. it works.

i'm on the 'base tan' wagon right now too, going to florida in about two months and am petrified of being burnt!!! so i'm going the tanning route too. it's so flippin annoying, having to get naked, then dressed, THEN go home. but. worth it.

good luck with the ass and hoo haa. get some aloe stat!!!! oh and also? don't go tanning until all redness is gone. doctors orders.

[Christine]

Pics or it didn't happen!

Totally kidding. I don't wanna see anybody's butt, I don't care who it is ;-)

Oh 24, I feel bad -- I was one who mentioned the tanning bed but didn't EXPLAIN it for someone who's never been!! Like Lo said, *especially* for someone with fair skin, blue eyes, and a history of skin cancer...stupid girl should've put you in for like TWO minutes the first time, if not the first couple of times. Then slowly -- and I mean slowly -- increase the minutes. Did you not have to fill out a form that asked all about your skin type and history? If you didn't, that salon needs to do that (though their dumb employees should know to look at people and at least have a slight idea, or at least ask the relevant questions) or if you did, Tan Barbie should be fired for not going over it and explaining it to you. Sucks you have to pay per visit and not in minutes.

Oy, sunburn. Aloe Aloe Aloe Aloe.

[Lucrecia]

I can't believe you didn't mention the horrid smell you emit after one of those stupid beds! I've been there. But its SO hard to go to work naked.

[missy]

I just had this whole conversation yesterday with my daughter (who is getting married in Hawaii soon) about base tanning. We have some olive in our skin and we still burn! You have to be so careful in the beds and like the readers said PUT A TOWEL UNDER YOUR BUTT!

[Helena]

I haven't used a tanning bed in years. They must have become so much stronger since I last went. Ouch, it sounds so painful! And you've got 13 more sessions to go....

[Liz C]

Oh my. As a super-white person with a large bum, I've experienced a partial cheek burn on, you know, the parts that hang out of the suit. (What? Yours doesn't hang out? Showoff.)

Even that measly 20% cheek burn was amazingly painful. I can't imagine a full moon burn!

From what others have said, I'm thinking Tan Barbie's manager needs to be informed of her screw-up.

[Mike]

I'm with Alan, I'm willing to help rub in some aloe into that sunburn. Generous of me, isn't it?

[Sandra]

wow! 10 minutes?! I am not milky white and I start off my new season of fake tanning at 7 minutes. Then I move up 2 minutes each time. You should have started at 4 minutes. She was an idiot to even let you go 10 minutes.

[Lump]

ahahaha you crack me up! I bet your red fried ass looks so much better than my blinding white ass. I so need a tan.

[Jason]

AND you burnt your hoo haa? Oh my.

I lived in a verrrry cold climate during college and the only way I could ever warm up was the tanning bed. Ohhhhh that felt so good.

Those days are over.

I hope your hoo haa doesn't peel.

[karen]

Ouch. Thats all just ouch...

[Life with Kaishon]

Oh no. It was painful to read this. Very, very painful!

[Pseudo]

I wish you a slower pace of life where you can spend 10 minutes of early moring or late afternoon enjoying your pool and spectacular view...

[Stepping Thru]

I'm laughing hysterically but with total sympathy. I did this once and was so miserable that I had my hubby put ice packs all over my back so I could sleep. My front didn't burn but I cooked my backside from shoulders to heels. Take some cool showers and keep putting the aloe on. Snicker - snort

[emmysuh]

Man, Tan Barbie should have told you to do 8 or 9 minutes! I tan pretty well and have kind of olive toned skin, and I still start at ten minutes for the first visit in a while.

What did your kids think about naked Mom time?

[shaunna]

ew, ouch! i should have told you to do it in 2-3 minute daily increments. you gotta build slowly.

[Fragrant Liar]

HA. I don't mean to laugh at your misery. But it's pretty funny ONLY BECAUSE I can empathize, having compromised my nipples -- I mean principles -- a few times myself, on the hunt for that base tan.

Yeah, go slow. Most things are better slow.

[Ajlouny]

I have always found it hard to reach my upper back. Burned it last time I tanned. But I have been doing research on tanning beds and find that they are just as harmful as the UV rays from the sun.