If you promise not to laugh I'll share with you what happened to me last weekend. Oh, I'm not repeating the part about Mooning Amtrak and having my ass filmed for network news. For some reason I find the mooning experience only slightly embarrassing. I'm actually pretty proud of having participated. I suppose that says a lot about me, doesn't it?
I had a very busy weekend.
There are 1,000 writers converging on Chicago in less than a week and a half and many of them have been busy writing about the upcoming conference. They're discussing what they'll wear, which of the bazillion parties they plan on attending and blah, blah, blah. I've been in denial about the whole thing because a) I'm not at all girly and b) I don't have the vaguest idea as to what I'm supposed to do, or wear, at this conference. I'll be the clueless one wandering the halls inappropriately dressed at all times.
Last Friday, a writer friend emailed to tell me that a few famous celebrities will be attending the conference including Tim Gunn from Project Runway. I never watch TV, but I was quickly informed he is a fashion expert and critic and that he *might* (rumor!) be picking out the worst dressed person at the conference for a public humiliation makeover. Because I'm already insecure about being in the midst of famous, bestselling writers, my stomach immediately knotted up at the thought of being THE ONE Tim Gunn picks.
Make no mistake, if Tim Gunn is going to pick someone to humiliate for having no fashion sense it is bound to be me.
[For the record, my friend might be playing a joke on me about Mr. Gunn doing a makeover. I honestly have no idea, but I do know Tim Gunn is scheduled to be at the conference.]
I decided to make a quick trip to the mall and buy a dress. I hate dresses. I only wear sundresses hastily thrown over my bathing suit. I'm not the type of woman who wears real dresses. I tried on four hundred dresses at least, and didn't like any of them. Nonetheless, I bought a black dress. Black is versatile. I can always wear it out again and/or to a funeral someday. It's not a sexy, clingy, black dress. It's just a basic black dress.
Except there was a problem. I looked in the threeway mirror in the dressing room. I'm in my forties and my ass is dragging on the ground behind me by a few yards. Damn gravity! Who discovered gravity? I think it was Sir Isaac Newton? I know it was a man for sure. Women would have left it undiscovered. In any case, I thought my black dress would look better if my ass was above my knees instead of below my ankles.
After I paid for the dress I went directly to the lingerie department and frantically explained to the salesperson my need for my ass to be lifted immediately. She laughed. I don't think she's been through proper sales training because a salesperson shouldn't laugh at a customer with a serious problem such as Ass-Fall-Downism. She then informed me I just needed some "Spanx."
Excuse me? Who needs to spank me? And is he hot?
Apparently I'm the only woman on earth not wearing a product called Spanx. (This post is in no way sponsored by Spanx.) The salesperson showed me row after row of Spanx "shapewear." Shapewear can be worn under shorts, jeans, dresses - it comes in a lot of different styles. I've never owned a single piece of shapewear. Maybe you can tell by looking at me? The salesperson asked a few questions about my new dress and handed me a pair to try on.
Soon I was in the dressing room with nothing but a bra on. I turned the Spanx this way and that before attempting to put it on. (I don't know what this particular Spanx product is called.) It looked like a pair of shorts.
I pulled. I tugged. I sucked in my thighs only to discover my thighs don't get any smaller when I hold my breath. I slowly, painstakingly, inched the Spanx, up and onto my body. Those Spanx products? They're extremely tight, to put it mildly.
Suddenly I gasped!
I cried out in shock and dismay.
I had ripped the crotch right out of the brand new (and expensive!) pair of Spanx. I clearly am too fat for even the Fat Fighter product. I started stumbling around the dressing room trying to examine the hole in my crotch. Yes, picture me mostly naked, bending over and trying to get my own face eye level with my crotch. Suddenly I caught a glimpse in the mirror of myself twisted like a pretzel.
I stood up. I removed the Spanx. I examined the hole in the crotch. (It was much easier to see that way.) I realized the hole is supposed to be there. Clearly the Spanx people know their product is too difficult to remove for a quick romp and so they've made an easy access entry. Lift your dress, grab your partner, and have at it ladies! Those Spanx people are obviously intending for all of us to have a good time in our party dresses.
Two surprising things happened later that day. First, a reader on Twitter informed me the hole in the crotch is intended for peeing not sex. She said the Spanx products take so long to get on and off they are afraid you might wet yourself so the hole is *supposedly* to allow a woman to pee with her spanx on. (Not going to happen to my Spanx. I will not pee through a hole because what if I have crooked pee that day and they get wet?)
What?
Crooked pee happens and you know it!
I'm sticking with my theory that the hole is for sex.
Second, I was out on an errand and a young (20's), thin, very attractive woman was walking by me in the parking lot. She had a sundress on and a gust of wind suddenly blew her dress up. She was wearing Spanx underneath it. I was shocked. Apparently, I really am the only woman on earth not wearing this stuff.
By the way, I bought the Spanx shorts with the hole in the crotch but I forgot to ever look in the three way mirror to see if they even improve my case of Ass-Fall-Downism. After all I've been through, all I can say is my ass better look damn fine in my new black party dress.
© Twenty Four At Heart
My writing is copyright protected and I will kick your ass if you steal content. I try to protect the identities of those I mention here by changing whatever identifying details I feel I need to change. If that makes this a fictional blog then so be it. Disclaimer: I'm in no way responsible for what I write because I'm in no way responsible.
Uh....hmmmm.
Sir Isaac Newton DID discover the theory of gravity. He did NOT discover Spanx. But the IDEA of having a hole in the crotch has now made me wonder if my wife has a pair...
Gotta go check! Buh bye!
Posted by: Alan | July 14, 2009 at 04:35 AM
400 dresses is pretty impressive. You have to be really fast, or really patient, to achieve that rate.
Posted by: stoneskin | July 14, 2009 at 05:00 AM
You know what, I've never discussed crooked pee with anyone before, but you are absolutely right...it DOES happen. And we ought to be upfront about it.
I predict you will ditch the spanx within 2 hours putting them on. Anyone want to start a betting pool?
Posted by: ballerinatoes | July 14, 2009 at 05:25 AM
I know I promised not to laugh when you started this tale, but I couldn't help it. Sorry. And yes, crooked pee pee does happen. I don't have any spanx but I do have a coupld of Victoria Secret's jeans with "butt lift" spanx in them. They don't work. I don't have a butt to lift. :)
Posted by: Margie | July 14, 2009 at 05:33 AM
The first thing I said when you wrote "promise not to laugh" was "Oh, yeah - RIGHT. I'm going to HOWL at you, dear 24."
And I did.
For the record, we can form a nation of 2, for I have never worn a pair of Spanx, nor do I ever intend to. A HOLE in the CROTCH for PEEING? That is just SO wrong on SO many levels, I hardly know where to begin.
Posted by: Jan | July 14, 2009 at 05:43 AM
yeah not peeing through a hole ain't happening here either. I am in desperate need of spanx for my sisters wedding I wonder if they have something for the chin to oh ankle region... haha.
Posted by: nicki | July 14, 2009 at 05:48 AM
I "crooked pee" all the time, so clearly my spanx, if I wore them, would be gross. I don't know; it gives that whole Sharon Stone scene, where she flashes the cops her crotch, a new dimension. Are all the women now wearing spanx in America doing the same thing??'I wonder what Tim Gunn thinks of them?
Posted by: Maureen at IslandRoar | July 14, 2009 at 06:07 AM
Hmm, I've never even heard of Spanx... But I'm always late to the party too. :(
Posted by: Kristan | July 14, 2009 at 06:23 AM
No spanx here... and crooked pee happens, just like shit. A word of caution: be careful that your knees don't turn blue. ;)
Posted by: sometimessophia | July 14, 2009 at 06:27 AM
The only spanx in my household come from me being a very bad girl. We can wander the halls together looking like the homeless people who somehow sneaked in.
Posted by: Middle-Aged-Woman | July 14, 2009 at 06:27 AM
Crooked pee - just heard 2 woman discussing this very issue in the Walmart bathroom. You are not alone.
Spanx - ugliest invention and least sexy garment on earth. But they help.
Hallie
Posted by: Hallie | July 14, 2009 at 06:49 AM
OMG! LMAO! You're hilarious. Crooked pee and all. Yes, it does happen. I can picture you trying to get eye level with your own crotch. ROFLMAO!
Posted by: Kelly | July 14, 2009 at 06:52 AM
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! YAY I'm not the only one that experiences crooked pee every now and then!
I bought the cheap version of Spanx at Target (called Assets I think, but by the same woman). Took it out of the package -- there was no way in hell they would even fit over my thigh let alone my hips. I didn't even try. Now if I can just get my butt back to the store to return them...
Posted by: Christine | July 14, 2009 at 06:52 AM
Crooked pee??? What about when you pee a double stream!????? LOL
I have worn them, HATE THEM FUCKERS, but honestly I would never EVER go pantyless just to party down with a stranger in a VIP lounge or to be able to pee. HELL NO.
24 --- you need a boho dress that flows so you don't have to worry about your ass or wearing spanx. A black one would be even better. ;-)
Posted by: Stella | July 14, 2009 at 06:59 AM
As a guy, this whole crooked pee thing has my stomach feeling a little funny. Maybe crooked pee explains why women don't peewrite their names in the snow. Fear of poor pennmanship. steve
Posted by: stephen | July 14, 2009 at 07:07 AM
I love Spanx. That woman is a genius! I also vote the hole is for sex. Sounds good to me.
Posted by: BeautifulWreck | July 14, 2009 at 07:11 AM
I have a pair of Spanx and have worn them exactly twice in the past 3 years. They're hot... make your crotch all sweaty, and if you peed crooked that would just add to the obnoxious odor following you around.. ewwww, hate those things. So Spanx me... I won't wear them.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
Posted by: di | July 14, 2009 at 07:19 AM
YOU MADE MY DAY! I can't wait to find you wandering the halls next week.
Posted by: Sandi | July 14, 2009 at 07:37 AM
I am just thrilled to learn I'm not the only female experiencing occasional crooked pee days. And Spanx were designed by a woman? You'd think she'd know! Maybe it's jsut for ventilation?
I just bought my first Spanx to wear under my wedding dress. It goes from just under the boobs to the knees. Hey, I'm almost 50 - can't take the chance of something being left on-controlled. I've been afraid to take them out of the package. I hadn't even thought about the peeing problem....
Posted by: Liz C | July 14, 2009 at 08:40 AM
I refuse to call them Spanx.
I call them what they are. Sausage casings.
I also like the yummie tummies. A tank top to smooth the belly and love handles down.
Not that I have those or anything.
heh.
Posted by: Redneck Mommy | July 14, 2009 at 09:10 AM
2009 Spanx = 1950 Girdle
I'll pass.
Posted by: Linda | July 14, 2009 at 09:22 AM
LOL Three words...Ass-Fall-Downism. You are too funny lady!
Posted by: kathygee1 | July 14, 2009 at 09:23 AM
This is so funny! I don't have any SPANX but I DEFINITELY need some as fat is ALL over me and can not be contained by ordinary clothing : ) So funny!
And PS Totally understand crooked pee!
Posted by: Life with Kaishon | July 14, 2009 at 09:24 AM
I still can't stop laughing a "crooked" pee. I would've thought I ripped them too! , but once I realized - my first thought would've been easy access for doing the deed too!
Dirty ,-er- GREAT minds think alike
Posted by: melissa | July 14, 2009 at 09:40 AM
All I can say is Spanx are a godsend! I have 3 pairs, depending on the type of outfit I am wearing and how much coverage I need. They just smooth everything out! :)
Posted by: Kirsten Wright | July 14, 2009 at 10:41 AM
My ass is like a map of the United States, with Florida on either side, and little ripple-y islands traveling down the thighs.
Even Spanx cannot make the twin Floridas secede from the union. I am doomed.
At least YOU have perky tits.
Posted by: Jane | July 14, 2009 at 11:14 AM
I wear spanx almost daily. I wear the Super Panties. I heart them. None of mine have the hole in the crotch but I know it exists. Personally, I too would be worried about the crooked pee.
I have a friend whose Spanx was so tough to get off after a holiday party she had to lie on the bed and have her husband pull them off for her. Them things are like armor!!
Posted by: Sandra | July 14, 2009 at 11:55 AM
Now I want a pair! do they come in pink?
Posted by: Candy | July 14, 2009 at 01:15 PM
Miss Lady, who has sex in Spanx? I mean, yeah, the whole is freaking convienant, but I think Spanx suck everything and make you look good IN clothes, but probably look scary without. Having sex in Spanx sounds like THE LEAST sexy thing I can imagine.
But I suppose I should knock 'em until I try 'em.
Any chance of a Spanx giveaway? ;)
Posted by: emmysuh | July 14, 2009 at 01:16 PM
Oh dear. I never heard of spanx... I remember my cousin told me that she was in trouble at school - it was the late 1950s and she was a teenager - because it was noted that she could not have been wearing a girdle because her bottom moved...
Bottoms are meant to move.
Crooked pee = episiotomy I reckon. Anyone agree?
Posted by: Duchess | July 14, 2009 at 02:21 PM
I, too, have never worn Spanx, nor do I want to after reading your post! A hole in the crotch? For real??!! That sounds very odd to me whether for peeing OR for sex -- both are weird. Pee can most definitely be crazy crooked and what if the hole's not quite big enough for sex? Size DOES matter, you know! Anyway, you'll have to update us on your Spanx experience after you wear them to Blogher.... :-)
Posted by: nuckingfutsmama | July 14, 2009 at 02:59 PM
I have never worn Spanx, I'm pretty sure they don't make them big enough to squeeze my more than ample ass into..but I'd vote for the hole being for sex too. I just can't imagine ever using it for that. And how is it that we are meant to not wear our granny panties but by all means roll ourselves into a tight little tube and feel sexy?
Posted by: Mad Woman | July 14, 2009 at 03:52 PM
I am damn sure the Torturer would be please as punch to give your ass a crash course!! You could even moan for him a little. BTW how are the boinic nips doing. You haven't mentioned them for a few days
Posted by: Joanne | July 14, 2009 at 04:12 PM
Not much leaves me speechless . . .
Posted by: North County Mike | July 14, 2009 at 05:35 PM
you are too, too, funny.
and enjoy yourself. blogher rocks.
Posted by: shaunna | July 14, 2009 at 09:03 PM
Congratulations! You have written The. Funniest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Read. I'm serious, and it takes a LOT to make me laugh. I was crying, I was laughing so hard!
Posted by: Ginger | July 15, 2009 at 12:46 AM
I need to get some Spanx because apparently everyone else is wearing them. Maybe Spanx needs to have a giveaway here and give away 10 pairs to your readers! Spanx are you listening???
Posted by: Anali | July 18, 2009 at 12:11 PM
This is seriously hilarious!
When I was drafting my Spanx post, the original version had a long, drawn out paragraph or seven about pee that doesn't go straight in the bowl, but I couldn't write it to make it funny...you nailed it, though!!
"Crooked pee happens and you know it!"
Pure brilliance!
Posted by: jennifer, playgroups are no place for children | August 14, 2009 at 11:42 AM
It's from pressure on the urethra, lol. Nothing serious.
Posted by: anon | October 14, 2009 at 05:20 PM